Despite early predictions that March 2020 and beyond would yield a COVID baby boom, data has proven a little, well… deflating. Sex therapists have seen more and more couples and individuals claiming low desire or diminished sexual frequency, wondering why prolonged time at home hasn’t yielded more time spent capitalizing on it.

Several things are likely to blame for a decrease in desire for sex during the pandemic: Stress, of course, can reduce interest in sex even in the best of times, but overfamiliarity likely plays a role right now as well. As famed sex therapist and author Esther Perel writes about in her bestseller Mating in Captivity, sexual desire for our long-term or live-in partners often requires a little time apart to flourish.

It’s true that we tend to want our partners more when we have just the right amount of time away from them – to miss them or yearn for them. We also tend to experience the most desire when we – and they – feel the most alive, when we’re doing things that showcase our interests and talents. In the space between ourselves and our partners, desire can find its spark, paving the way toward arousal and sex.

We call this kind of desire – the kind that sparks when we miss our partners or sense some of their “otherness” – spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is the kind we see in the movies and on TV, and it’s the kind many of us (but not all of us) experience during the initial honeymoon (also called limerence) phase of dating. It tracks a familiar pattern: Desire occurs first, sometimes springing seemingly out of nowhere, and is followed by arousal, which is then followed by sex and hopefully satisfaction.

This isn’t the only pathway to sex, though. There are actually two kinds of sexual desire: Spontaneous, which we just covered, and responsive, thoroughly research by sex educator and author Emily Nagoski and covered in her book Come as You Are.

Responsive desire tracks a slightly different path than spontaneous desire. Arousal comes first in response to some sort of sexually relevant stimuli, like touch (think: caressing or a kiss on the neck) or an erotic scene in a novel. It’s after the initial arousal (or, as Nagoski says, pleasure) that desire for sex shows up. Responsive desire explains how sex can be the last thing on your mind until you see an amazing sex scene in a movie or your partner touches you in just the right way.

According to Nagoski’s research, all genders experience both types of desire, generally at different times in their lives and relationships. There seems to be a sort of interplay between the two: When novelty, distance, intrigue, and mystique are high, spontaneous desire can dominate a person’s experience of their own drive. When familiarity and closeness are high, responsive desire can dominate. While research indicates that men tend to experience slightly more spontaneous desire than women, and that people in long-term relationships experience slightly more responsive desire than people who have just started dating, people’s relationship with their own desire varies widely. Some people experience almost exclusively responsive desire, for example, and often wonder why sex isn’t more top of mind – even though it’s a completely normal and valid way to experience sexuality. On the other hand, some people will experience spontaneous desire throughout the entirety of their lives and relationships.

Hormones, children, work stress, grief, and yes, global pandemics can all shift the way we individually experience desire for sex and for our partners. Many (if not most) people have found that desire for sex with their longer-term partners has decreased during the pandemic, which is completely normal under stressful and sometimes cramped conditions. For those who would like to reconnect with their partners sexually, it’s a great time to explore responsive desire and see what works – and what doesn’t.

The Maybe Zone

Because responsive desire means that arousal and pleasure precede wanting sex, a few things need to be in place to make room for it: Intentionality, willingness, and a non-demand approach to sexual pleasure. Responsive desire is about wanting to want to have sex and being willing to see if you might experience desire after setting aside time for touch, connection, or any other sexually relevant stimuli. This means that “maybe” is a completely legitimate and important response to a sexual overture from your partner.

It also means that yes, scheduling or planning sex can be a great idea, even if that just means letting your partner (or yourself) know that you want to set aside a little time to be together later that night. I often find that when clients start to schedule more time to experience responsive desire, they also find themselves experiencing a bit more spontaneous desire as well, since lingering memories of pleasurable and satisfying sex can serve as a salient stimulus for more sex. Knowing your partner prioritizes time and energy to connect with you sensually or sexually can also be deeply validating.

Responsive desire eliminates pressure for one, both, or all partners to be “in the mood,” since desire follows physical or mental stimulation and arousal. Arousal doesn’t always follow stimulation, though. Sometimes stress, grief, physical pain, or non-concordance (a fancy way of saying your body’s response isn’t matching your brain’s) precludes your or your partner from getting into it. When that happens, it’s important for all parties to accept that “maybe” has become “not tonight, honey.” No one becomes aroused by feeling pressured or like they’re failing.

Beyond planning ahead and carving out time and space to connect sexually, creating obvious cues can help facilitate responsive desire. Sex therapist and educator Barry McCarthy suggests relying on sensual (but not necessarily erotic) touch to pave the way. Caressing one another, embracing your partner from behind, dancing together, giving or receiving a massage, and lingering on a kiss are all great ways to get started. These sorts of initiations begin in a space that is more sensual than erotic – since transitioning to erotic touch before all parties have entered a state of arousal can be a counterproductive and cause self-consciousness.

In my next post, I’ll cover obstacles that can crop up when we start carving out time and space for sex: like stress, rejection, and sexual encounters that feel a little too routine. Stay tuned!  

Navigating spontaneous and responsive desire can be tough. If you think you could benefit from some professional guidance, contact me directly at katie@relationshipreality312.com.

By Karen Washington, LMFT, & Katie Roach

There may be two seasons of “Sex Education” on Netflix, but high-quality sex ed in our society can still be hard to come by. Pair that with the widespread availability (and watchability) of porn, and many harmful myths about sex persist. The good news? These myths are easily debunked, and your sex life will feel a whole lot more satisfying without them.

1. Porn is real. Porn is, inherently, a form of film, and porn performers are actors. While porn actors in some scenes may be experiencing real pleasure, their performances are often just that: performances. Porn often bypasses real, important aspects of sex, like foreplay, consent, setting boundaries, reciprocal oral sex, funny mishaps, awkward moments, and constant communication. Did we mention porn often skips the foreplay? More on that later.

2. Sex = penis in vagina. Sex can be defined as any activity that consenting adult(s) engage in that brings pleasure. This includes solo sex play, like masturbating, as well as manual or oral activities for more than one adult to participate in. Other sex play can include role-playing, sensual play, BDSM, etc. Sex is not limited to one activity and one definition. Rather, it is only as limited as imagination and willingness to explore a variety of activities.
3. Women should be able to climax from penetration without assistance. According to dozens of studies, more than 75 percent of women need more than just penetration to orgasm. Clitoral stimulation, either on its own or along with penetration during intercourse, is generally needed to get women to the O-zone. In fact, research suggests that even G-spot orgasms can be attributed to the clitoris, since the network of tissue goes far deeper than meets the eye. Many women can get enough clit stimulation during sex with the help of an extra hand or by getting in positions that allow them to grind their pubic bones on their partners’ pelvises or thighs.
4. Sex should happen naturally/organically. Despite how it seems in the movies, sexual desire doesn’t always fall out of thin air! In the words of Esther Perel, foreplay begins the moment the last orgasm has subsided. This means that sexual desire in a relationship often has to be cultivated, whether that’s through flirting with your partner, reading erotica, sending hot texts to each other, or spending a little more time making out. Sex is a state of mind, and it’s one we fall out of without intentionality and plenty of practice.
5. Men want sex more than women. In this equation, everyone loses. Not only does it create unrealistic standards for men, but it also totally underestimates the power of female desire. No one of any gender wants to have sex all the time – stress, sickness, fluctuating hormones, shifting energy levels, and seasons of life all impact how often we want to get it on, and men can feel undue pressure to perform if they buy into this trope. As our culture becomes more and more affirming of female sexuality, we also see that women have much higher sex drives than previously thought!
6. Pain with sex is ok. Pain with sex is never ok, unless the consenting parties wish to incorporate pain as part of their sex play. If you are a person experiencing unwanted pain during sex, you do not have to endure that! Also, unwanted pain with sex can be remedied. Unwanted pain with sex may be a sign of anatomical issues or psychological barriers to experiencing pleasure. Please reach out to your doctor and/or a sex therapist to discuss further.
7. High frequency = high satisfaction. Most often, people coming into sex therapy equate their sexual satisfaction with having more sexual frequency. However, it could be that you are really seeking a higher quality of sexual connection with your partner(s). Higher satisfaction can come from improving the relationship, improving foreplay, or changing up the sexual repertoire to incorporate new activities.
8. All erections are spontaneous, need little/no coaxing, and are super rock hard at attention every time. The truth is, most erections will wax and wane in erectness over the course of any sexual activity. Additionally, erections change over time due to life factors, age, and health considerations. Penis-having bodies also experience periods of responsive desire, which means that they need to get into the sexual activity to feel inclined to have sex instead of being erect at the start. Sometimes, especially when the penis-having person is stressed out/distracted/not feeling well, they may need more effort in maintaining their erection over the course of sex play.
9. Size matters. Ah, one of the oldest myths in the books. You’ve likely heard the saying that “it’s not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean,” and there’s a lot of merit to it. When it comes to penis-in-vagina sex, the angle of penetration (hello, G-spot), the pacing of the action, and sex position matter a lot more than size does. This is where our earlier myth about female orgasm during penetration is helpful to remember – it’s much more about stimulating the right spots than it is “measuring up” size-wise! Check out this map to see sizes around the globe: The Penis Size Worldwide (country).
10. Longevity of intercourse. Intercourse, on average, only lasts around seven to ten minutes from penetration to climax. The rest of the time is foreplay and afterplay. While this can vary from individual to individual, hours-long sex is a myth perpetuated by pop culture and pornography. What most people don’t see when viewing those examples is all of the effort it takes behind the scenes to pull off hours long sex. Longevity also does not necessarily equate quality, either. Check with your sex partner about their preferences.
11. Alternative sex means you’re bad. There is a long history globally of telling people that are not cisgender, heterosexual, and monogamous that there is something wrong with them for their preferences. That is simply not true. If you enjoy kinky sex, or prefer ethical nonmonogamy, or any preference outside of the typical tropes, guess what – it’s fine. Your preferences are yours. As long as you practice safe, sane, and consensual sexual activity, live your best life. Check out this website to see how sexual activity varies across the globe: Some Culturally-Based Differences in Sexual Activity.
12. Sexual compatibility comes naturally. When we define sexual compatibility as sharing preferences or desires with your partner, it seems like achieving it is just a matter of finding the right person. And that might be true, to some extent – but it requires a lot of self-knowledge, sexual exploration, and brave communication with a partner to figure out if you could have real compatibility and what those shared desire are. The bottom line is this: It can be difficult to tell if you and a partner are compatible from the get-go, and exploring that terrain together can be more than half the fun!