Do you tell yourself you’ll be happy when you make more money?

Do you believe you’ll never get married because it didn’t happen when you expected it to?

Do you believe you’ll never reach your fitness goals if you don’t go to the gym?

If you answer yes to any of the questions above, chances are, you’re putting your happiness on hold. ¨I’ll be happy when…” is a common belief that may lead to self-sabotage behaviors ( i.e., settling, not getting your needs met, etc.). Focusing on being happy for a time that hasn’t arrived can prevent you from being present. While the belief that you’ll be happier may seem optimistic, that is usually not the case for most situations. Let’s look at the first scenario above. Holding onto that belief may cause you to feel unhappy while waiting for more money to come. Wanting more money is okay and there is no guarantee more will make you happy. Assessing why you think you’ll be happier if you made more money is a great place to start. Having an understanding of why you think you’ll be happier can be beneficial as you decide what steps to take moving forward while you wait.

A friend of self-sabotage is impatience. Waiting patiently can be difficult because there is uncertainty of when your dreams will come to life. It may be easy to contemplate giving up and/or attempt to rush the process. Being flexible with knowing that things may not happen when you’d like may remove the pressure of feeling rushed and believing it’ll be now or never. If what you want is important, reserve time to slow down and reflect before taking action. Practicing patience allows you to meet yourself where you are and move at your pace.

Another sign of self-sabotage that may keep you stuck in a harmful cycle is black-and-white (all-or-nothing) thinking. Maybe you feel nothing will be good enough unless everything goes according to plan. Black-and-white thinking can lead to being afraid of taking action if you believe you won’t get your desired outcome. The path to reaching your goals may look differently than you imagined and now may be a good time to pull out the drawing board to reevaluate your options.

Let’s imagine you want to increase your physical activity. Lifting weights may not be your desire and there is more than one way to become active. Maybe you enjoy dancing, running, yoga, etc. When you know what you want and focus on what you enjoy, you are likely to reach your goal sooner than you believe. Adding color to your thought process may provide comfort in knowing your options are endless.

Common thought processes to challenge usually contain “I should/can’t.” By reframing your thoughts to “I get to” and “I choose to” allows you to focus on the control you have. A common belief I hear clients express is thinking they have to do something they have no desire to do because of what they’ve learned and observed from others. As simple as reframing a thought may seem, it can help to eliminate self-sabotage behaviors and remove what doesn’t serve you. When your actions no longer add value to your life, it is likely that you are not getting your needs met. If you’re standing in your way, you may experience difficulty with not letting others do the same. Honoring your personal boundaries may teach you self-respect and give you courage to set boundaries with others.

If what you’re doing keeps you from accomplishing goals, completing deadlines, etc., ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is there an activity you’ve always wanted to try? Imagine what it’d be like to start today. Creating space for things you enjoy can promote having something to look forward to and will likely increase your desire to return to it because it brings positivity. Can you remember a time you accomplished a goal? Focusing on what worked well can be encouraging as you are likely to see you already have useful tools. Practice giving yourself grace by knowing it’s okay to be unsatisfied in one area of your life while finding fulfillment in areas that are going well.

Five tips for making the holiday season more enjoyable for you and your partner.

For many people, the holiday season brings both excitement and anxiety. As a kid, you get to experience the food and fun without the obligations of planning, spending, and talks about politics. Now that you’re an adult, you not only have to worry about yourself, but also the added dynamic of your partner.

It’s not unusual for couples to have added conflict and stress during the holiday season, but there are things you can do to prepare. Sitting down with your partner to come up with a plan can not only relieve stress, but it can make you feel more connected to one another. Knowing you are on the same team and having a game plan you both agree with allow more space for you to enjoy one another and your families.

1.Talk out the Details
Oftentimes, sitting down and communicating expectations and desires will alleviate stress and anxiety. Does your partner know that you want to split time equally between your families? Tell them. Do they expect you to take care of the shopping or cooking on your own? Communicate how you feel about that. Together, make a list of all the responsibilities and obligations you have and decide how to tackle them fairly. This will give you relief to know that everything will not fall on just one of you, and that you’re on the same page with what needs to happen.

2. Set Boundaries
Part of holiday stress can come from the anticipation of your boundaries being broken. Sit down with your partner and discuss where you want to draw the lines. This can be about the amount of time spent with family and friends, what conversation topics to avoid, or how to deal with unpleasant family dynamics. For example, if you know your uncle likes to talk about politics and you’d rather not get into it, you can set your boundary by saying, “I appreciate your passion about “x,” however I’d rather not talk about that right now.” Your partner can then back you up and help divert the conversation to something else.

3. Create a Spending Budget
According to the National Retail Federation, the average American spent $1007.00 last year during the holidays on gifts. Even with a high-paying job, this amount is difficult to stomach. The solution is to sit down with your partner and write a list of the people you need to get gifts for. Then, decide on a total budget and break up the amount you’d like to spend per person. Once you agree on a budget, take advantage of holiday sales like Black Friday and get your shopping done early.

4. Eat Healthy in Preparation
The connection between what you eat and your mental health is significant. Eating healthy during the holidays is hard, but it will make your body and mind feel better if you switch to healthier habits in preparation. Do some research and find a healthy eating challenge that you and your partner can do together to alleviate stress and work together towards a goal. This will also help you feel less guilty when you eat a few extra slices of pie.

5. Make Time for Connection a Priority
Even though the holidays will provide many times to be together, it’s usually with other people. Take some intentional time to do date nights, holiday shopping together, and other festive things you enjoy just as a couple. This will help you feel more connected to one another which makes a big difference when you’re stressed out.

Following these tips should allow you and your partner to have a more enjoyable holiday season because you will feel more in tune with one another and you’ll have a game plan. While sitting down and having these conversations may not sound as fun as baking cookies or watching football, it will pay off in the long-run.

If you’d like help having these conversations with your partner or if you just want someone to teach you ways to manage the stress of the holidays on your own, please contact me at jeannie@relationshipreality312.com or (312) 625-8556.

Jeannie Sytsma, MA, MFT