“They were right. I’ll never be good enough.”
“Who am I kidding? I’ll never get that degree.”
“What’s the point in trying? Things will never get better.”

Have you found yourself repeating the narratives above or something similar? I know I have. It kept me in a constant loop of making the same choices and getting the same unwanted outcomes. It is common to repeat unhelpful beliefs, because it is familiar and easy; yet, the cost is immense. This is a trap that keeps you stuck. The unhelpful beliefs may seem to work because you are not required to change. Change can be scary because it often means leaving the comfort zone into unfamiliar territory. I am here to tell you that the cycle of useless beliefs that you’re repeating to yourself won’t make your life better. Chances are, you will feel worse about yourself and won’t work towards the things you truly want.

Let’s apply useless thinking to an example. A goal of mine is learning to swim and I know I will need lessons. Let’s say the first person I share my goal with says “Don’t waste your time. You’ll never learn how to swim.” Yikes! Thanks, dream killer. Why should I believe that? Can they predict the future? Absolutely not. Now, imagine being supported by someone that says “Learning how to swim is possible with practice. I know a great instructor and I believe with consistent effort, you will become an excellent swimmer.” This is a narrative worth holding on to. Sounds supportive and rational, right? Who wouldn’t want to be supported that way?

Unlearning useless beliefs can be challenging because you likely have been repeating these narratives for most of your life. It didn’t happen overnight, therefore don’t expect yourself to unlearn them right away. This is where compassion is necessary–and not to be used as an excuse to remain stuck. Meaning, you can have compassion towards yourself for the impact those beliefs had on your life. The pain it caused you and others can be difficult to face and you can use it as an opportunity to change your thought patterns.

To clarify, I am not encouraging you to be dishonest with yourself. This information is meant to be used towards beliefs that aren’t serving you. The beliefs that hinder your growth are worth letting go of. Let’s imagine Michael Phelps challenges me to swim and I go for it, without taking those lessons. I’m so excited that I tell everyone that they should place a bet for me to win. Doesn’t sound wise, does it? He’d probably end up rescuing me instead because I’d be putting myself in danger. However, with lessons, I am capable of beating him (let me dream).

Application: Make a list of the beliefs you have that both support and hinder your goals. After identifying the thoughts that don’t work for you, slowly replace them with a supportive thought that you genuinely believe. The more you repeat them, it will be easier to add new helpful beliefs to your memory bank. Don’t force the beliefs upon yourself because it likely won’t stick for long. As you practice, notice how your mindset shifts over time.

Do you tell yourself you’ll be happy when you make more money?

Do you believe you’ll never get married because it didn’t happen when you expected it to?

Do you believe you’ll never reach your fitness goals if you don’t go to the gym?

If you answer yes to any of the questions above, chances are, you’re putting your happiness on hold. ¨I’ll be happy when…” is a common belief that may lead to self-sabotage behaviors ( i.e., settling, not getting your needs met, etc.). Focusing on being happy for a time that hasn’t arrived can prevent you from being present. While the belief that you’ll be happier may seem optimistic, that is usually not the case for most situations. Let’s look at the first scenario above. Holding onto that belief may cause you to feel unhappy while waiting for more money to come. Wanting more money is okay and there is no guarantee more will make you happy. Assessing why you think you’ll be happier if you made more money is a great place to start. Having an understanding of why you think you’ll be happier can be beneficial as you decide what steps to take moving forward while you wait.

A friend of self-sabotage is impatience. Waiting patiently can be difficult because there is uncertainty of when your dreams will come to life. It may be easy to contemplate giving up and/or attempt to rush the process. Being flexible with knowing that things may not happen when you’d like may remove the pressure of feeling rushed and believing it’ll be now or never. If what you want is important, reserve time to slow down and reflect before taking action. Practicing patience allows you to meet yourself where you are and move at your pace.

Another sign of self-sabotage that may keep you stuck in a harmful cycle is black-and-white (all-or-nothing) thinking. Maybe you feel nothing will be good enough unless everything goes according to plan. Black-and-white thinking can lead to being afraid of taking action if you believe you won’t get your desired outcome. The path to reaching your goals may look differently than you imagined and now may be a good time to pull out the drawing board to reevaluate your options.

Let’s imagine you want to increase your physical activity. Lifting weights may not be your desire and there is more than one way to become active. Maybe you enjoy dancing, running, yoga, etc. When you know what you want and focus on what you enjoy, you are likely to reach your goal sooner than you believe. Adding color to your thought process may provide comfort in knowing your options are endless.

Common thought processes to challenge usually contain “I should/can’t.” By reframing your thoughts to “I get to” and “I choose to” allows you to focus on the control you have. A common belief I hear clients express is thinking they have to do something they have no desire to do because of what they’ve learned and observed from others. As simple as reframing a thought may seem, it can help to eliminate self-sabotage behaviors and remove what doesn’t serve you. When your actions no longer add value to your life, it is likely that you are not getting your needs met. If you’re standing in your way, you may experience difficulty with not letting others do the same. Honoring your personal boundaries may teach you self-respect and give you courage to set boundaries with others.

If what you’re doing keeps you from accomplishing goals, completing deadlines, etc., ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is there an activity you’ve always wanted to try? Imagine what it’d be like to start today. Creating space for things you enjoy can promote having something to look forward to and will likely increase your desire to return to it because it brings positivity. Can you remember a time you accomplished a goal? Focusing on what worked well can be encouraging as you are likely to see you already have useful tools. Practice giving yourself grace by knowing it’s okay to be unsatisfied in one area of your life while finding fulfillment in areas that are going well.

Happy Pride everyone! Pride is a month of commemorations of the Stonewall Riots in the summer of 1969. During these riots, trans folks led the movement for LGBTQIA+ rights across America. Today, LGBTQIA+ communities come together to celebrate freedom. In the spirit of freedom and pride, some folks choose to come out to their friends and loved ones during this time.

How can you support someone who has come out to you? Here are 8 ways:

1. Thank them for trusting you and for having the courage to tell you. If someone comes out to you, it’s because they trust you and feel safe with you. Recognize this and thank them for it because it’s an honor.
2. Respect that they may not have come out to everyone just yet. Just because someone has come out to you, doesn’t mean they’ve come out to everyone in their life. Respect their confidentiality and be intentional about not outing them to others by using a name, pronouns, or implying sexual preference without their EXPLICIT permission to do so. For example, if someone comes out to you as non-binary and asks you to use “they/them” pronouns when you’re with them, ask, “Do you want me to also use they/them pronouns when I’m around others?”
3. Be the same friend/family member you’ve always been. Sometimes behaviors and interactions change between someone who has come out and their friends and family on the receiving end. This could be because you want to be careful not to offend them, but it is often interpreted as rejection. To make sure that the person who came out to you doesn’t feel rejected, be sure to maintain your friendship and even reach out more often. You can reach out shortly after the disclosure to ensure them that you are still friends.
4. Don’t say, “I love you no matter what.” Instead say, “I love you.” The former implies that something is wrong with their identity and wouldn’t be worthy of your love. However, it is important that your person feels accepted and not rejected. Thus, communicating that you simply love them is always the best way to go.
5. Anticipate and be prepared for mood swings and teenage-like choices. While coming out, some friends and family members may not be accepting—this can be hurtful and may result in angry outbursts or crying spells. Be prepared to help them in the best way possible during this time. Not only is coming out nerve-wracking and scary, it’s also exciting. When you were a teenager or in college and coming into your identity, you likely experimented with different outfit choices and hairstyles and explored your sexual likes and dislikes. Expect the same for the person coming out to you.
6. Go to places together. It’s important for your friend or family member to not feel isolated during this time. You can combat isolation by offering to go to different events with them, by taking them to lunch or coffee, or by connecting them with other LGBTQIA+ people that you know.
7. Educate yourself. Rather than pepper your friend/family member with a bunch of questions about things you don’t understand, take it upon yourself to learn. It can be burdensome and may feel invasive for your person to answer a multitude of questions over and over again. If anything, ask them how you can best support them. You can check out PFLAG, as well as books for parents, friends and allies, and everyone else.
8. Go to therapy. If you are really struggling with the news, it may be time for you to get some support from therapy. You want to be the best version of you to support your person (because you love them), so therapy can help support you. You can schedule with me

Research on a gender binary shows that 1 in 3 cis women and 1 in 4 cis men have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact during their lifetimes. Moreover, 50-66% of transgender or gender non-conforming people have experienced sexual assault. Thus, it is highly likely that you or a partner has experienced sexual trauma. You can read more stats on the RAINN and OVC websites.

Research supports that sexual trauma, especially when experienced at a young age, results in structural changes in the brain. These structural changes may impact a person by increasing their reactivity in disagreements, an exaggerated startle response, self-blame, discomfort in one’s body, and lack of interest in sex or conversely, hyperarousal. It’s important that you understand that your partner cannot control these reactions, but they can work on managing them.

Moreover, your partner may not have all of the answers of what their triggers are and how their past trauma is impacting them, so your patience is imperative. Keep in mind that progress for your partner is not always linear and sometimes they make take one step forward and two steps backward. Living through a traumatic event shakes someone to their core, and so does going through treatment and reliving it. So, be patient with your partner if they are involved in therapy.

Here are some things to be mindful of when in a relationship with someone who has experienced sexual trauma:

Dos:

1. Take accountability for your role during conflict with your partner.
2. Be a safe person to talk to by allowing your partner the time and space to share what happened with you. For instance, when/if your partner opens up to you, say, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
3. Do have patience with and compassion for your partner.
4. Say, “Thank you for telling me” when your partner sets a boundary around sex and/or emotional intimacy or communicates a need.
5. Ask your partner what they need from you.
6. Always ask for consent for sex or touching. It may be difficult for your partner to speak up so ask them and give them the opportunity to say “no.”
7. Help to identify your partner’s triggers and work to minimize their exposure to them. For example, if loud noises or voices are a trigger, avoid leaving the television on or slamming doors.
8. Be sensitive and empathetic to their emotions. Offer comfort and warmth, especially during flashbacks or times of intense anxiety.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t place undue blame on your partner for problems in the relationship.
2. Do not shift the focus of the conversation to your anger towards their abuser (i.e., before saying that you are so angry you’re going to beat up/kill/verbally aggress their abuser, ask yourself, “How would that actually help my partner right now?” Hint: It probably would be more helpful to listen to your partner and let them express their feelings and emotions).
3. Avoid blaming them for their symptoms or minimizing the severity of their trauma. Here are some things you should NEVER say:
    
   1. “Snap out of it” or “Get over it”
   2. “It’s in the past” or “It was so long ago”
   3. “It’s not that bad”
   4. “You’re crazy”
   4. It’s never helpful to tell your partner how to feel or give them unsolicited advice. If they don’t want to report the incident, do not tell them to. Only 25 out of 1000 rapes end in the rapist going to prison.

   For further guidance on this topic, you can schedule an appointment with me.