Research on a gender binary shows that 1 in 3 cis women and 1 in 4 cis men have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact during their lifetimes. Moreover, 50-66% of transgender or gender non-conforming people have experienced sexual assault. Thus, it is highly likely that you or a partner has experienced sexual trauma. You can read more stats on the RAINN and OVC websites.

Research supports that sexual trauma, especially when experienced at a young age, results in structural changes in the brain. These structural changes may impact a person by increasing their reactivity in disagreements, an exaggerated startle response, self-blame, discomfort in one’s body, and lack of interest in sex or conversely, hyperarousal. It’s important that you understand that your partner cannot control these reactions, but they can work on managing them.

Moreover, your partner may not have all of the answers of what their triggers are and how their past trauma is impacting them, so your patience is imperative. Keep in mind that progress for your partner is not always linear and sometimes they make take one step forward and two steps backward. Living through a traumatic event shakes someone to their core, and so does going through treatment and reliving it. So, be patient with your partner if they are involved in therapy.

Here are some things to be mindful of when in a relationship with someone who has experienced sexual trauma:

Dos:

1. Take accountability for your role during conflict with your partner.
2. Be a safe person to talk to by allowing your partner the time and space to share what happened with you. For instance, when/if your partner opens up to you, say, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
3. Do have patience with and compassion for your partner.
4. Say, “Thank you for telling me” when your partner sets a boundary around sex and/or emotional intimacy or communicates a need.
5. Ask your partner what they need from you.
6. Always ask for consent for sex or touching. It may be difficult for your partner to speak up so ask them and give them the opportunity to say “no.”
7. Help to identify your partner’s triggers and work to minimize their exposure to them. For example, if loud noises or voices are a trigger, avoid leaving the television on or slamming doors.
8. Be sensitive and empathetic to their emotions. Offer comfort and warmth, especially during flashbacks or times of intense anxiety.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t place undue blame on your partner for problems in the relationship.
2. Do not shift the focus of the conversation to your anger towards their abuser (i.e., before saying that you are so angry you’re going to beat up/kill/verbally aggress their abuser, ask yourself, “How would that actually help my partner right now?” Hint: It probably would be more helpful to listen to your partner and let them express their feelings and emotions).
3. Avoid blaming them for their symptoms or minimizing the severity of their trauma. Here are some things you should NEVER say:
    
   1. “Snap out of it” or “Get over it”
   2. “It’s in the past” or “It was so long ago”
   3. “It’s not that bad”
   4. “You’re crazy”
   4. It’s never helpful to tell your partner how to feel or give them unsolicited advice. If they don’t want to report the incident, do not tell them to. Only 25 out of 1000 rapes end in the rapist going to prison.

   For further guidance on this topic, you can schedule an appointment with me.

A common theme I have noticed while working with individual female clients who have some degree of anxiety, is that they tend to put themselves in the back seat.

What does that mean? Their anxiety becomes the forefront of every aspect in their life.  Most of the time, they do not notice it, and oftentimes it is caused because they are concerned about others and how something they said or did may have affected someone else.

Anxiety is not the best personal feature to carry around with us. I speak, not only as a person practicing in this field or as a graduate student who has studied a ton about anxiety, but also as someone who has anxious tendencies herself. Anxiety is like a lingering shadow. Sometimes it is hidden and we cannot see it, and other times it is visible though we cannot always control when it decides to reveal itself. It often feels like it is always following us and just a step behind. Anxiety has the tendency to create negative thoughts, such as an all-or-nothing way of thinking and in the absolutes of “should” and “must.” These come out in various ways, such as “I should have said this to X…” or “Maybe I should not have said that….”

Where does it say there is a ‘should or shouldn’t’ in most instances? When our anxiety decides to reveal itself, it can cause many distorted thoughts, and we tend to not even think of ourselves. Instead, the energy is placed on those anxieties and in doing so we neglect ourselves. It becomes a concern and our mind battles in thinking of “what I did or said” that may have affected others, or our partners in our romantic relationships.

It is essential to watch for the telltale signs before your anxiety peaks. Did you know that when you know something is coming up, your body tends to get tense and anxious? Watching how your body reacts to when this is happening can provide you with valuable information to let you know that you are getting anxious. Though if you take a moment each day to prioritize yourself, this will inevitably help your personal development as a whole, resulting in a positive effect in your relationship with others and your life in general. Prioritizing yourself also includes being able to express yourself to others without being anxious about how they might perceive it. If you are doing it respectfully and calmly, chances are they would be more open to your suggestions and clarify your concerns. Here are some of the ways you could prioritize yourself:

1. Taking some me-time (it doesn’t matter if it’s taking a bath or getting a Big Mac or both).
2. Positive Affirmations (Today is a new day to restart!).
3. Carve out time to do an activity with the people you love and want to spend time with (going to Lincoln Park Zoo or dinner at RPM).
4. Journal (keep track of your thought and feeling patterns).
5. Attend therapy (there are different types of therapy —find the one that works best for you).

There is much more involved when it comes to being anxious, but rather this is glimpse towards what anxiety is and how it can affect you. The question is, how will you prioritize yourself starting form today? If you would like to reach out to me and work towards kicking anxiety to the backseat, please feel free to reach me 312.600.8912.

Most people think of attachment styles or attachment theory as being associated with their intro to Psychology or Psych101 class during their undergraduate studies.

During college is where we commonly learn about attachment theory and it being associated with babies and the relationship with their parents.

Well, that is common misconception that attachment ends in childhood! There is much more to attachment style than just our relationship with our parents. Attachment styles develop and affect all relationships from childhood to adulthood and on. Recent research shows how much attachment style plays a role in our relationships as adults. In a romantic relationship, do you triple text, put another person as your priority, and let them lead the relationship? These are signs that you might have an anxious attachment style in your relationship. Anxious attachment style is not a desirable attachment because it does mean you might be overanalyzing the relationship, you get more anxious and want that reassurance, but as a result it does not allow you consistent peace of mind in the relationship. On the other hand, someone with an avoidant attachment style would prefer to walk away during an argument or confrontation. They are also strict about creating heavy boundaries in their relationship and distance themselves both physically and emotionally. Do you think you might know someone that fits this attachment style?

The preferred attachment style we often strive to work towards is the secure attachment style. Securely attached people do not play mind games, are able to communicate and address problems in a healthy way. They are also able to have a healthy distance in the sense they do not feel the need to constantly be with or talk to their partner. Thesecure attachment style is an ideal attachment for every person because it allows you navigate life with confidence and comfort of handling your relationships.

Statically, only 50% of the population have a secure attachment style in their relationships. (This means even when conflict arises, they are more likely to be able to manage it rather than walk away). Keep in mind, your attachment style has fluidity and it may change after being in a long-term relationship, which is something to watch out for.

For the additional 50%, they are often a mix of either anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant. This representationdemonstrates that people more than likely met someone, became friends with, dated, or even married someone who might not been securely attached. Navigating a relationship in the state of being insecurely attached can be complex, challenging, and frustrating. For instance, let’s say you are a part of a couple who have been dating for around 4 years. Partner A is secure, and Partner B is anxious. Due to the anxious attachment style, Partner A who is also unaware of attachment styles, may get frustrated and want to back away from Partner B, resulting in Partner A seeming avoidant. Do you see the effect it has on each partner? Seeking therapy can be considered to help each partner see and talk about their attachment styles. Working with your partner in therapy allows for clear understanding of how your relationship is currently doing and ways to improve it if needed.

Attachment style is significant. Improving your attachment style will benefit your romantic relationship and your relationships with others overall. As we work on attachment styles, the clients I have worked with begin to notice a shift in their relationships and in their communication style. They have a greater sense of ease when communicating with loved ones and even coworkers! Getting to a secure attachment style will take work and time though it is possible to become securely attached once we begin to observe the current patterns and understand them. Once we complete this, we can come to understand the whys and hows, and work on moving towards a secure attachment style.

Let’s kick other attachment styles to the curb and start working on getting you to the ideal attachment style. If you have any questions and would like to contact me, please feel free to do so at 312.600.8912.