Want a Perfect Relationship? Try Actually Accepting Some Imperfections

When it comes to love, perfect is very much the enemy of the great.

Do you have a friend who is always late, but you put up with it because she’s always there for you no matter what? Or what about that friend who constantly complains about her life and takes no action to improve it, but you accept that about her because you know she’s in a tough spot?

If you mentally scroll through your friend list, none of them are perfect. You take the good with the bad with your friends because you think they’re awesome, they add richness to your life, and they support you. Chances are when you see them, you have no plans on fixing them.

Do you do the same with your partner?

Well, if you’re like most of my clients: probably not. Perhaps you wish your partner was more organized. Or maybe better with money. Or more romantically expressive.

In my years as a relationship counselor, I’ve discovered that what makes happy couples successful is that they recognize the uniqueness of their partner, have no plans on changing each other, and learn to live with the inevitable differences that come with any relationship.

That’s right. Inevitable differences. Let me explain.

Not all “issues” can be solved—and that’s OK.

Research shows that 69 percent of relationship problems are perpetual. That means even in absolutely terrific relationships, couples deal with the same problems over and over again, triggered by differences in personality, lifestyle, values, dreams, needs, childhood, and life experiences.

Couples can easily get stuck because they criticize each other, make the other feel wrong, and overall convey a lack of acceptance of one another when dealing with these unsolvable issues. But the thing is: This only exasperates the problem. Even if they were to change partners, they would simply swap a different set of problems.

The good news is that having perpetual issues is entirely normal. These kinds of problems don’t have a solution; rather, they need to be managed and not solved. It’s how you handle them that makes all the difference in whether your relationship will be happy.

Honoring your partner and compromising is key. Here are six ways to handle perpetual issues:

01. Recognize that you’re dealing with a perpetual issue.

Consider the kinds of flaws or quirks you and your partner have always had. Perhaps he has the tendency to micromanage during stressful situations. Perhaps you’re not very good at cleaning up after yourself. Then ask: Did you or your partner have these inclinations while you were dating? Are these issues you’ve dealt with outside of your relationship? If the answer is yes, you’re most likely dealing with a perpetual issue.

02. Look at the specific differences that are creating conflict.

If your partner is chronically late but you’ve accepted that and don’t pick a fight when he is late, it’s not really a problematic perpetual issue. However, if you are annoyed and a fight ensues every other week because your partner has made you late again, then it’s the kind of issue that will need to be addressed and is worth a conversation.

03. Convey acceptance.

During this conversation, use affection, humor, and an overall positive attitude when talking about these issues causing conflict. The way you talk to your partner about these issues can either lead to ongoing, positive dialogue or cause a chronic feeling of rejection and hurt. You want to show your partner that you accept him—preferences, values, and quirks—just the way he is. Not only is this step more loving, but by going this route your partner will actually be more likely to take initiative and make behavior modifications—simply because they feel liked and appreciated as they are.

04. Identify the underlying reasons for each other’s tendencies or stances.

Your partner has valid reasons for why he acts, thinks, and feels the way he does. So sit down and talk about where these beliefs come from. This will make it much, much easier to empathize and understand. You’ll soon discover these tendencies will be wrapped in your partner’s values, hopes, aspirations, dreams, and even experiences from his childhood or adulthood. Ultimately, they’ve become attributes tied to his identity and perhaps even what gives him a purpose to his life.

Keep in mind that what you think is not necessarily better than what your partner thinks: It’s just different. The goal here is to understand, not necessarily to agree.

05. Name your non-negotiables.

Talk to your partner about what you’re both unwilling to budge on. What do you really need to see from your partner? Does the toilet seat really need to be down? Or is there something more important? You’ll want to keep your non-negotiables to a minimum.  What can’t you live without? Or what behavior drives you so crazy that you want it to stop? Things can become rather touchy during this part of the conversation, so take breaks when you need them—and refer to #4 frequently, so you both understand where you’re coming from.

06. Recognize areas where you can be flexible.

If you want a loving relationship, you’re not going to get things your way all the time, so in what ways can you be flexible? Specifically, think about the when, where, and how. When doesn’t it matter if he’s exactly on time? Where is it OK for you to be a little messy? How will you handle things when you both disappoint each other when you’re too busy?

Compromise won’t always feel perfect, but it’s necessary for you both to be honored and for your relationship to always “win.”

You can’t get everything that you want in a significant other, just like you can’t get everything from your friends. Before you start swapping problems, jumping from one relationship to the next, accept there will be inevitable differences even with your most compatible match—and that you’ll just need to manage those differences with respect, humor, and affection.

*As seen on Verily

I received a question from a reader:

Dear Anita,

I’m in a 5-month relationship with my boyfriend. Things were great in the beginning but it’s been rocky the last couple of months. We’ve been arguing more and I don’t hear from him as often as I used to. I thought he was “The One” but now I’m not so sure. How do I know when to give up? Should I break up with him?

Dating is about taking the time to figure out if the person that you’re with is a good fit for you. Sometimes we believe so strongly that we have met our future partner – in the beginning of a relationship. But as time goes on, we can be plagued with doubts.

It takes time for patterns to develop, and at 5 months you’re around the point in your relationship where some of the infatuation fades and you can see your partner more realistically.

I commonly find that my clients stay in relationships longer than they should. A few questions you can answer to determine if you should stay or go:

1. Are you compromising your non-negotiables?

Do you find yourself rationalizing or justifying your boyfriend’s behaviors – or your own – that go against your non-negotiables? These can be things such as he wants to live in the suburbs but you don’t, or he doesn’t want to raise his children with a certain religion but you do. Whatever they are, if you find that you’re talking yourself out of your non-negotiables to keep your relationship, it’s not a good sign.

2. Are your needs being met?

If you’re considering breaking up, you’re unhappy to some degree. It’s difficult to feel fulfilled if your needs aren’t getting met. Think of what you find yourself complaining about or what brings you disappointment in your relationship – this can help you pinpoint your needs. For example, you want more communication but you’re not getting it – is this an important need for you?

3. Have you spoken up for what you want/need?

Some people think their partner should “just know” what they want. In the beginning of a relationship, you’re still learning about each other. It takes time to be so attuned to your partner that you can anticipate his needs, and 5 months may not be long enough for either of you to know what the other person wants. It’s better to speak up for what’s essential to you in a relationship.

4. Is there effort?

Relationships take work. They require conscious effort to not only consider your own needs, but also that of your partner’s. If your boyfriend isn’t demonstrating effort – or even if you find yourself without motivation – to make your relationship better, things probably won’t improve the longer you stay together.

5. Are you able to negotiate your differences?

Differences are inevitable. Are you and your boyfriend able to find win-win solutions to the things that you disagree on? Can you live with the differences if you can’t find mutually agreeable solutions? If not, you may have to find someone who is more naturally compatible with you.

Although there are no “one size fits all” answers, these questions can help guide you in making your decision of whether there is long-term success with your boyfriend.

7 Ways to Boost Your Relationship

Relationships have their ups and downs. If yours could use some tweaking, here are 7 ways to boost your relationship:

1. Show love the way your partner prefers. It’s one thing to know your partner loves you, but another to feel it on an emotional level. We all show love differently – some of us may prefer to spend as much time with our partner as we can, while others rely on physical touch to feel connected. Know your partner’s “love language” and give freely in that way.
2. Keep your positive illusions. People who are happy in their relationships believe that their partner is better than anyone else out there. What matters is that you think your partner suits you the best (and this doesn’t mean that you won’t complain about your partner or ever have disagreements). Holding onto these positive illusions is key to making your relationship last!
3. Show acceptance. It’s easier to be vulnerable in a relationship when you’re accepted for who you are. No doubt you can identify differences between you and your partner, whether big or small. Convey that you accept your partner and in necessary instances, you may just have to negotiate your differences.
4. Speak up – and pay attention. Your partner is not your mind reader. If you want or need something in your relationship, gently ask your partner for it. You can also heighten your awareness – your partner probably lets you know what they want or need, you may just need to tune in better to pick up on it.
5. Do novel things together. Romantic love fades, on average, around the 18-month mark. But this doesn’t mean it has to be dead forever. Doing new and different things can help trigger and sustain feelings of romance. Explore a different part of the city, have a surprise weekend outing or take a class together. Little things can invigorate your passion.
6. Have sex, in and outside the bedroom. Oxytocin is known as the “cuddle hormone” and is associated with closeness, calm, attachment and trust. It is released during orgasm and physical affection. To elevate oxytocin levels in you and your partner, have sex (the more you have it, the more you’ll want it) and hold hands, kiss and hug frequently. Also talk about your sex life outside the bedroom – recount your favorite moments, keep flirting, discuss fantasies and what you’re looking forward to next.
7. Give your relationship daily attention. One of the things I frequently hear from my clients is how disconnected they feel from their partner. Relationships won’t survive without meaningful attention. You don’t have to spend hours a day (that’s not realistic!) but engaging in even a few minutes of one-on-one time can make a huge difference. Recount your day, talk about your highs and lows, and set aside a consistent date night to keep the romance and connection alive.

With these 7 tips, you can boost your relationship starting today.