Five tips for making the holiday season more enjoyable for you and your partner.

For many people, the holiday season brings both excitement and anxiety. As a kid, you get to experience the food and fun without the obligations of planning, spending, and talks about politics. Now that you’re an adult, you not only have to worry about yourself, but also the added dynamic of your partner.

It’s not unusual for couples to have added conflict and stress during the holiday season, but there are things you can do to prepare. Sitting down with your partner to come up with a plan can not only relieve stress, but it can make you feel more connected to one another. Knowing you are on the same team and having a game plan you both agree with allow more space for you to enjoy one another and your families.

1.Talk out the Details
Oftentimes, sitting down and communicating expectations and desires will alleviate stress and anxiety. Does your partner know that you want to split time equally between your families? Tell them. Do they expect you to take care of the shopping or cooking on your own? Communicate how you feel about that. Together, make a list of all the responsibilities and obligations you have and decide how to tackle them fairly. This will give you relief to know that everything will not fall on just one of you, and that you’re on the same page with what needs to happen.

2. Set Boundaries
Part of holiday stress can come from the anticipation of your boundaries being broken. Sit down with your partner and discuss where you want to draw the lines. This can be about the amount of time spent with family and friends, what conversation topics to avoid, or how to deal with unpleasant family dynamics. For example, if you know your uncle likes to talk about politics and you’d rather not get into it, you can set your boundary by saying, “I appreciate your passion about “x,” however I’d rather not talk about that right now.” Your partner can then back you up and help divert the conversation to something else.

3. Create a Spending Budget
According to the National Retail Federation, the average American spent $1007.00 last year during the holidays on gifts. Even with a high-paying job, this amount is difficult to stomach. The solution is to sit down with your partner and write a list of the people you need to get gifts for. Then, decide on a total budget and break up the amount you’d like to spend per person. Once you agree on a budget, take advantage of holiday sales like Black Friday and get your shopping done early.

4. Eat Healthy in Preparation
The connection between what you eat and your mental health is significant. Eating healthy during the holidays is hard, but it will make your body and mind feel better if you switch to healthier habits in preparation. Do some research and find a healthy eating challenge that you and your partner can do together to alleviate stress and work together towards a goal. This will also help you feel less guilty when you eat a few extra slices of pie.

5. Make Time for Connection a Priority
Even though the holidays will provide many times to be together, it’s usually with other people. Take some intentional time to do date nights, holiday shopping together, and other festive things you enjoy just as a couple. This will help you feel more connected to one another which makes a big difference when you’re stressed out.

Following these tips should allow you and your partner to have a more enjoyable holiday season because you will feel more in tune with one another and you’ll have a game plan. While sitting down and having these conversations may not sound as fun as baking cookies or watching football, it will pay off in the long-run.

If you’d like help having these conversations with your partner or if you just want someone to teach you ways to manage the stress of the holidays on your own, please contact me at jeannie@relationshipreality312.com or (312) 625-8556.

Jeannie Sytsma, MA, MFT

Want a Perfect Relationship? Try Actually Accepting Some Imperfections

When it comes to love, perfect is very much the enemy of the great.

Do you have a friend who is always late, but you put up with it because she’s always there for you no matter what? Or what about that friend who constantly complains about her life and takes no action to improve it, but you accept that about her because you know she’s in a tough spot?

If you mentally scroll through your friend list, none of them are perfect. You take the good with the bad with your friends because you think they’re awesome, they add richness to your life, and they support you. Chances are when you see them, you have no plans on fixing them.

Do you do the same with your partner?

Well, if you’re like most of my clients: probably not. Perhaps you wish your partner was more organized. Or maybe better with money. Or more romantically expressive.

In my years as a relationship counselor, I’ve discovered that what makes happy couples successful is that they recognize the uniqueness of their partner, have no plans on changing each other, and learn to live with the inevitable differences that come with any relationship.

That’s right. Inevitable differences. Let me explain.

Not all “issues” can be solved—and that’s OK.

Research shows that 69 percent of relationship problems are perpetual. That means even in absolutely terrific relationships, couples deal with the same problems over and over again, triggered by differences in personality, lifestyle, values, dreams, needs, childhood, and life experiences.

Couples can easily get stuck because they criticize each other, make the other feel wrong, and overall convey a lack of acceptance of one another when dealing with these unsolvable issues. But the thing is: This only exasperates the problem. Even if they were to change partners, they would simply swap a different set of problems.

The good news is that having perpetual issues is entirely normal. These kinds of problems don’t have a solution; rather, they need to be managed and not solved. It’s how you handle them that makes all the difference in whether your relationship will be happy.

Honoring your partner and compromising is key. Here are six ways to handle perpetual issues:

01. Recognize that you’re dealing with a perpetual issue.

Consider the kinds of flaws or quirks you and your partner have always had. Perhaps he has the tendency to micromanage during stressful situations. Perhaps you’re not very good at cleaning up after yourself. Then ask: Did you or your partner have these inclinations while you were dating? Are these issues you’ve dealt with outside of your relationship? If the answer is yes, you’re most likely dealing with a perpetual issue.

02. Look at the specific differences that are creating conflict.

If your partner is chronically late but you’ve accepted that and don’t pick a fight when he is late, it’s not really a problematic perpetual issue. However, if you are annoyed and a fight ensues every other week because your partner has made you late again, then it’s the kind of issue that will need to be addressed and is worth a conversation.

03. Convey acceptance.

During this conversation, use affection, humor, and an overall positive attitude when talking about these issues causing conflict. The way you talk to your partner about these issues can either lead to ongoing, positive dialogue or cause a chronic feeling of rejection and hurt. You want to show your partner that you accept him—preferences, values, and quirks—just the way he is. Not only is this step more loving, but by going this route your partner will actually be more likely to take initiative and make behavior modifications—simply because they feel liked and appreciated as they are.

04. Identify the underlying reasons for each other’s tendencies or stances.

Your partner has valid reasons for why he acts, thinks, and feels the way he does. So sit down and talk about where these beliefs come from. This will make it much, much easier to empathize and understand. You’ll soon discover these tendencies will be wrapped in your partner’s values, hopes, aspirations, dreams, and even experiences from his childhood or adulthood. Ultimately, they’ve become attributes tied to his identity and perhaps even what gives him a purpose to his life.

Keep in mind that what you think is not necessarily better than what your partner thinks: It’s just different. The goal here is to understand, not necessarily to agree.

05. Name your non-negotiables.

Talk to your partner about what you’re both unwilling to budge on. What do you really need to see from your partner? Does the toilet seat really need to be down? Or is there something more important? You’ll want to keep your non-negotiables to a minimum.  What can’t you live without? Or what behavior drives you so crazy that you want it to stop? Things can become rather touchy during this part of the conversation, so take breaks when you need them—and refer to #4 frequently, so you both understand where you’re coming from.

06. Recognize areas where you can be flexible.

If you want a loving relationship, you’re not going to get things your way all the time, so in what ways can you be flexible? Specifically, think about the when, where, and how. When doesn’t it matter if he’s exactly on time? Where is it OK for you to be a little messy? How will you handle things when you both disappoint each other when you’re too busy?

Compromise won’t always feel perfect, but it’s necessary for you both to be honored and for your relationship to always “win.”

You can’t get everything that you want in a significant other, just like you can’t get everything from your friends. Before you start swapping problems, jumping from one relationship to the next, accept there will be inevitable differences even with your most compatible match—and that you’ll just need to manage those differences with respect, humor, and affection.

*As seen on Verily

7 Ways to Boost Your Relationship

Relationships have their ups and downs. If yours could use some tweaking, here are 7 ways to boost your relationship:

1. Show love the way your partner prefers. It’s one thing to know your partner loves you, but another to feel it on an emotional level. We all show love differently – some of us may prefer to spend as much time with our partner as we can, while others rely on physical touch to feel connected. Know your partner’s “love language” and give freely in that way.
2. Keep your positive illusions. People who are happy in their relationships believe that their partner is better than anyone else out there. What matters is that you think your partner suits you the best (and this doesn’t mean that you won’t complain about your partner or ever have disagreements). Holding onto these positive illusions is key to making your relationship last!
3. Show acceptance. It’s easier to be vulnerable in a relationship when you’re accepted for who you are. No doubt you can identify differences between you and your partner, whether big or small. Convey that you accept your partner and in necessary instances, you may just have to negotiate your differences.
4. Speak up – and pay attention. Your partner is not your mind reader. If you want or need something in your relationship, gently ask your partner for it. You can also heighten your awareness – your partner probably lets you know what they want or need, you may just need to tune in better to pick up on it.
5. Do novel things together. Romantic love fades, on average, around the 18-month mark. But this doesn’t mean it has to be dead forever. Doing new and different things can help trigger and sustain feelings of romance. Explore a different part of the city, have a surprise weekend outing or take a class together. Little things can invigorate your passion.
6. Have sex, in and outside the bedroom. Oxytocin is known as the “cuddle hormone” and is associated with closeness, calm, attachment and trust. It is released during orgasm and physical affection. To elevate oxytocin levels in you and your partner, have sex (the more you have it, the more you’ll want it) and hold hands, kiss and hug frequently. Also talk about your sex life outside the bedroom – recount your favorite moments, keep flirting, discuss fantasies and what you’re looking forward to next.
7. Give your relationship daily attention. One of the things I frequently hear from my clients is how disconnected they feel from their partner. Relationships won’t survive without meaningful attention. You don’t have to spend hours a day (that’s not realistic!) but engaging in even a few minutes of one-on-one time can make a huge difference. Recount your day, talk about your highs and lows, and set aside a consistent date night to keep the romance and connection alive.

With these 7 tips, you can boost your relationship starting today.