With Matt Garman, ALMFT, and Sara Haynes, ALMFT

Let’s Talk About Love is a series of conversations between Matt and Sara, clinicians at Relationship Reality 312. Each discussion covers a different topic, intended to share tips and insights that you’ll find useful as you navigate your love life. Please contact us: matt@relationshipreality312.com and sara@relationshipreality312.com.

First Date Tips

First dates can be stressful. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves when we’re meeting someone new. At times it can feel like it’s a job interview, but for a relationship instead.

Matt: Hi Sara!

Sara: Matt, how’s it going?

Matt: I’m doing well! Boy, I can tell you right now, first dates can be so tough. At least for a lot of folks. How do you feel about first dates?

Sara: I agree! For some people, no matter how many dates they go on, they tend to get that nervous feeling in their gut. It gets easier the more they do it though.

Matt: Very true.

Sara: What are some tips you would give to people who are dating and going on first dates?

Matt: First of all, knowing the place you’re meeting for the date is key. It should be a place that makes you feel comfortable and relaxed, so you can be your best self, and focus on the other person.

Sara: I like that! A good start is an environment where you feel comfortable. Like a go-to first date spot?

Matt: Exactly. If not that, then at least a place that you really want to check out. But ideally everyone is going to feel good about the space, no matter what.

Sara: Comfort is key; some people experience a lot of nerves going into a date, so the place you decide on can really help! I think you should get to know yourself and what is it you are looking for from a first date. A calm, quiet place? A spot that’s a little more energetic, so you can get up and have fun? Plan ahead.

Matt: Yes, for sure. Everyone has different preferences, and a date where you get a chance to know each other and also have an activity, to take the pressure off, is a great balance. A wine bar or coffee shop, a walk (even in Chicago’s crazy weather), followed by a video game bar, a board game spot, or heck — even karaoke!

Sara: I like that first-date combo: a sit-down and a fun activity mixed in! Karaoke in Chinatown, perhaps? That’s an opportunity to find out your date’s taste in music or whether they would make it through the final round of an American Idol audition!

Matt: Obviously that’s you. Okay Sara, I have two follow-up questions: first, what is your go-to karaoke song?

Sara: Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” gets me in the karaoke mood!

Matt: I can picture you singing that Whitney jam! For me it’s gotta be the Ramones, only because my singing mostly resembles shout-talking. But I digress. Second question: what should the mindset be on a first date?

Sara: We put so much pressure on ourselves; I think it’s important to remember this should be fun, and a chance to get to know somebody new.

Matt: Each early date should have one goal: to decide if you want another date. Keep it light, have fun, be real, and try not to overthink it. So how do people keep the conversation flowing, Sara?

Sara: I recommend having a few go-to open-ended questions prepared, and avoid yes-or-no questions. Think about some things you really want to know about the person, and ask questions that allow them to talk about themselves.

Matt: Plus, showing interest in your date, rather than talking about yourself the entire time, is never a bad idea.

Sara: True, be engaged and interested! Any other tips you got for calming your nerves while actually on the date?

Matt: It is really easy, and really normal, to get nerves on those early dates. My first thought is to keep a mindset of low stakes, like I said before: your only goal is to decide if you want another date. Also, keep the drinking to a minimum. It’s easy to overconsume when you’re nervous, but that can get messy. How about a nice sparkling water instead?

Sara: One or two drinks is fine. Meanwhile, being aware of your surroundings can calm first date nerves. What sounds do you hear? Notice the smells in the room. The taste of your food or drink. Focus on what is right in front of you in order to get out of your head.

Matt: Truly, the key to feeling a little anxious is the concrete stuff like the room we’re in, or the time we spend. For instance, having a firm stop time can ease pressure.

Sara: Absolutely! Sometimes I recommend 90 minutes for a first date. It’s not always a must; but generally planning a start and end time can eliminate worry about how long the date needs to be. How would you wrap up a first date?

Matt: I hate to sound like a broken record, but keep it light and low-pressure. Whether you’re feeling an excited connection, the opposite, or something in between, ending that first date should be easy: be polite, split the bill, and go on your way.

Sara: Split the bill, huh? That’s a controversial tip when it comes to first dates! Being polite is a must. Everyone is just out there trying to make a connection, so it’s important to make dating easy and fun for the people we meet. We all have great qualities and we should never forget that when we are putting ourselves out there!

Matt: I couldn’t agree more.

Sara: Until next time, we wish our readers a happy first date! We talk about stuff like this with our clients all the time, so feel free to contact us if you want to schedule a session: matt@relationshipreality312.com and sara@relationshipreality312.com.

Between work and our personal lives, we all need to find ways to feel like we’re growing and keeping busy. In a partnership, or as a part of the single life, hobbies are a good way to create a sense of meaning, and break out of routines. Whether you’re with someone you love, or someone you’re dating, or on your own, being creative about the way you spend your free time is important.

 

1. Be open to your partner’s interests

It is so validating to your partner when you to participate in something they love, especially if they know it isn’t your favorite thing, like it is for them. When you open yourself up wholly to a new experience, and commit, you are demonstrating love for your partner and joining them in something they enjoy. From swing dancing, to playing a role-playing game, to cooking up obscure regional delicacies in the kitchen, your partner probably loves something you’re not as into. Their knowledge and passion can also be a huge turn-on for you as you watch them shine in their area of expertise. Your willingness to let them lead and teach is also a big boost of confidence for them! The story you’re creating as you share in their passion is one of mutual respect and flexibility – it’s contagious, too..

 

2. Don’t be shy about your dorky obsession

As open as you’re willing to be with your partner’s favorite hobbies, this plan should be reciprocal. After you make space and time for them to show off for you, make room to let them in on your favorite things. Your collections, your artistic, creative choices, your crafty pastime — letting your partner see you in your element is inspiring. You are creating intimacy with them, and building trust, which radiates out into other parts of your relationship together. Plus, now you have a buddy to shop, practice, or plan with!

 

3. Make room for a new hobby you start together

Okay so you’ve let each other in on your personal hobbies — or maybe neither of you have one — yet. Either way, starting up a brand-new thing together gives you chance to have something all your own. Plus you get to practice your communication, empathy, delegation, respect, and trust! Beyond being aspirational adjectives you read about on a blog, they’re good goals to keep in mind as you go about your day. With a special place and time to work on your shared hobby, you have a lovely crucible to blend your styles, hear and speak to each other, or work side-by-side.

 

4. It’s more than a hobby, it’s time spent on your relationship

If it wasn’t obvious so far, part of why sharing and creating hobbies with your partner is worthwhile is because you are doing it with each other. In so many ways, you are prioritizing your relationship alongside your work and home responsibilities. The act of making it matter communicates to your partner that your relationship matters. You get to spend time with each other in a fun way, rather than under stress. You’re creating novel patterns for communication and negotiation that will repeat in the other parts of your lives together. It is an investment in your present.

 

5. It’s okay to do your own thing too

Yes, absolutely open yourself to sharing each other’s hobbies, start new ones, and build new patterns for how you are together. But at some point, it is also healthy for a little downtime on your own. Maybe it’s time you spend preparing to be together, planning out how you’re going to be gardening or shopping for records the next day as a couple. Maybe it’s time you spend thinking about nothing else – just reading a graphic novel from cover to cover, or writing a graphic novel from cover to cover. What matters is that you have time to recharge, so you can be engaged and present with your partner later. Investing in your partnership means investing in yourself, too! You’re so worth it.

 

 

You can’t shake the feelings once you’ve been cheated on. The disbelief; the shock; the devastation. The disorienting sensation that you don’t know what’s true—all compounded by a surreal realization that you don’t know who your partner is anymore.

It’s an entirely bewildering experience. You might start questioning your every move. Am I being too demanding? Too needy? Too… understanding? Even if your S.O. is apologetic and wants to work on your relationship—your trust in him or her is eradicated. Snapping your fingers won’t bring the intimacy back, even if you desperately want to.

The good news is, this trust can be rebuilt. It just needs to be rebuilt intentionally.

Yet as that trust is earned, there are certain things you’re allowed asking. Here are 50 things you can ask for from your partner (in no particular order) that are essential in not only rebuilding trust, but also giving your relationship the fortitude to persevere in the future—stronger than ever. Of course, things questions aren’t meant to be forever. Once you have been fully healed, you and your partner can renegotiate what boundaries are necessary for you to thrive again.

1. You can ask for access to your partner’s phone and email.
2. You can ask for monthly phone records.
3. You can ask for proof that the affair is over.
4. You can ask for your partner to tell you immediately when the affair partner makes contact—so you two can decide together if and how to respond.
5. You can ask to use GPS location to know where your partner is—or to double-check that they are where they say they are.
6. You can ask your partner to send picture texts and short videos to prove they are where they say they are.
7. You can ask your partner to delete social media accounts—especially if your partner carried on an affair via social media.
8. You can ask your partner to “clean house” on social media, eliminating potential and perceived threats.
9. You can ask your partner not to delete their web browser history.
10. You can ask your partner not to empty their trash folder in their email accounts.
11. You can ask your partner to access to financials: credit card, bank, and investment account statements.
12. You can ask your partner to transfer assets into your name and/or create a joint bank account.
13. You can ask your partner to quit the club or membership that the affair partner belonged to.
14. You can ask your partner to initiate conversations and provide information without being asked or you having to dig for it.
15. You can ask your partner to move to another city with you.
16. You can ask your partner to quit and find another job – if the affair happened at your S.O.’s current job.
17. You can ask that your S.O. and the affair partner limit contact to business only and your partner tells you when they had contact – if the affair partner is at your S.O.’s current job.
18. You can ask that your partner avoids taking you to places they took the affair partner.
19. You can ask to visit your partner at work.
20. You can ask that your partner comes home immediately after work.
21. You can ask for an accurate itinerary when your partner travels.
22. You can ask that they limit work travel, or only make day trips, or limit overnight trips.
23. You can ask that they call and text more often—just because.
24. You can ask that they increase physical affection in non-sexual ways.
25. You can ask that they initiate sex more frequently.
26. You can ask that they spend more time in foreplay.
27. You can ask that they make you feel that you are the only one for them.
28. You can ask that they initiate and thoughtfully plans date nights.
29. You can ask that they talk to you about their feelings.
30. You can ask that they show interest in you—simply asking about your day or dreams.
31. You can ask them to join you in your hobbies and activities and vice versa
32. You can ask for them to soothe you after you share your triggers.
33. You can ask that they solve conflict directly instead of minimizing, shutting down, or withdrawing.
34. You can ask that they go to individual and couples therapy to figure out why they did what they did—and to uncover all of the variables that lead to their decision to betray you.
35. You can ask for a postnuptial agreement.
36. You can ask for the truth—even if it means hurting your feelings.
37. You can ask for their full attention when you talk.
38. You can ask that they read a self-help book with you.
39. You can ask that they buy a new mattress or bedroom furniture, if your S.O. brought the affair partner into your home.
40. You can ask for more verbal appreciation.
41. You can ask that they decrease drinking if alcohol was a contributing factor to the affair.
42. You can ask for a decrease in pornography use.
43. You can ask that they wear their wedding ring again—every day.
44. You can ask that they write you notes or letters.
45. You can ask that they decrease contact or give up a friendship—if the friend helped cover up your S.O.’s cheating.
46. You can ask that they get checked for STIs and go to your doctor appointment with you.
47. You can ask for them to tell you that they find you attractive.
48. You can ask for them to tell you they love you—and why they love you.
49. You can ask for them to answer all of your questions about the affair.
50. You can ask for them to show remorse for what they’ve done.

Originally posted on Marriage.com

Link to the original article: 50 Things to Ask for from Your Cheating Partner

The holidays are coming, and so are the family gatherings. You want to bring your partner and show them off to your family because new and old relationships are a wonderful thing and your partner makes you happy. Maybe you’ve brought other partners home for the holidays, but this time it’s different—you’re in an interracial relationship. You’re anxious because you’re not so sure how they’ll react to your partner and if they’ll accept your relationship. Here are 5 tips to help you bridge the gap or simply get through the holidays:

1.Make sure your partner feels safe to be themselves. This is crucial! Check in when your Uncle Robert begins to talk about how he thinks black-on-black crimes is a real problem, unlike policy brutality, or when your father asks your new boyfriend if he came to America legally even though you’ve told him multiple times that your boyfriend was born in Minnesota. Make sure that your partner feels safe to continue the celebration.

2.Tell your family ahead of time. This might seem like a no-brainer but sometimes people avoid discussing what they think might be an uncomfortable situation. But telling your family ahead of time that you are in an interracial relationship beforehand can ease any tension or surprise the day of. If your partner does not celebrate Christmas because they practice a different religion, mention it to your family.

3.Talk about the elephant in the room. On the day of, when you start to feel as though things are tense because your family isn’t welcoming to your partner because of their race, talk about it. This gives the opportunity to have a constructive topic about race.

4.Play family jeopardy before heading in. Give your partner a run-down of who is who: who to engage with, topics to avoid, and any family traditions. Help your partner to prepare what to expect and with whom. Identify safe people for your partner to talk to throughout the night- these people should be accepting who your partner is. Let your partner know if there are specific cultural greetings and prayers. If you have family that doesn’t speak English, be willing to translate and introduce your partner to them. The knowledge will be comforting for them and helpful in navigating the night.

5.Explain your holiday traditions. If your family celebrates unique cultural traditions, superstitions, and food, explain what to expect and what rituals need to be performed and which are optional. Involving your partner will make their experience more memorable

When it comes to romance, we overthink everything.
It’s a legit question. When the honeymoon phase ends, and realism sets in, it can be tempting to wonder: Wait, am I settling?

After all, with the seemingly endless supply of options nowadays (cue: swipe, swipe), it can be tough to discern if the person you’re with is a realistic, amazing fit—or just a sign you’ve given up the dating game and decided to settle for second best.  As my clients are terrified of making a mistake, they come to me questioning if the person they’re dating is actually the person they want to marry.

And it’s a good question.

That said: I am going to be honest with you. Marriage doesn’t come with a 100% guarantee, and the idea of soulmates is just plain unhelpful. But there are ten key areas I discuss with them that can give them more confidence that they are making a good choice—or setting themselves up for a tough road ahead.

So if you’re wondering if you are indeed settling—or just moving forward with eyes wide open, look at these ten areas and take a moment to honestly question where you stand.

01. Your Acceptance of Each Other

Settling: You’re in this relationship for his potential. You have notions that he’ll be different once you’re settled, or you think he just needs a little more time to be the man you want him to be.

Healthy: You accept him as he is. Although you can ask for behavior modifications, you admire and respect many of his qualities without thinking he needs an overhaul.

02. Your Mutual Respect for Each Other

Settling: You’re consistently disrespected. He sometimes belittles what’s important to you, has humiliated you on a number of occasions, or makes you feel crazy. When you want his attention he responds harshly or ignores you. Whatever his disrespectful behaviors are, you rationalize them in your mind by thinking, “He doesn’t really mean it.”

Healthy: You can say with confidence that he respects you. Even if you disagree or have different perspectives, he honors your opinions and feelings. He listens and makes you feel validated. He makes you feel like an equal.

03. Your Ability to Compromise

Settling: He doesn’t consider you in his actions. When you tell him something is important to you or you bring up how he can meet your needs, he brushes your concerns aside or completely ignores them. Sometimes he might initially say ‘yes’ to what you need but then infrequently follows through.

Healthy: He responds positively to what you need. He is genuinely curious about what’s important to you—and why—and takes on a “team” effort. He is flexible and willing to compromise. Although he might not follow through right away according to your timeline, he shows consistently that he takes action in the areas that are important to you.

04. Your Gut Instinct

Settling: You frequently feel anxious. You feel insecure in the relationship—where you stand, how he feels, etc. If you’re the type that wants a lot of closeness in a relationship, you might feel the need to lower your expectations. Something is off, and you simply, don’t feel fully loved.

Healthy: You feel a sense of peace. Feelings of infatuation don’t last forever, and instead, you now feel comfort and security. Sometimes people mistake this as there being something wrong or missing with the relationship, but this means you moved toward the attachment phase of your relationship.

05. Your Overall Interactions

Settling: You have intermittent great times. You frequently dream about wonderful moments in the past, where you saw how good it was between you, and you wish that is how it could be again.

Healthy: You consistently have good times together. You have built a deep friendship, and there’s an atmosphere of positivity. The positives of your relationship far outweigh the negative. (Consider maintaining at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.)

06.  Your Social Circle

Settling: You frequently complain about him to family and friends—or they have verbally shared their concerns about your relationship.

Healthy: Your family and friends like him. They know that no one is perfect and that no relationship is without conflict—but most (if not all) of them support your relationship and actually like your guy.

07. Your Reason

Settling: Be honest here. Do you think you ‘should’ get married to this person, or is it just the next step? Maybe you’ve been dating him for 5 years and you think it’s about time. Maybe you fear having wasted all of this time so you’re staying in the relationship. Or maybe the thought of getting back into the dating pool makes you want to vomit. Perhaps you think you’ve reached a certain age, or your friends are all married, and you think it’s just time.

Healthy: You want him for him. Not only do you deeply love this man, but you can rattle off all of his amazing traits. You’re specific about the things that you admire and respect about him. Even if you mention the behaviors that drive you crazy, you know you can both work through it.

08. Your Relationship Goals

Settling: He hints at marriage someday, but doesn’t seem to be actively working towards the idea. If he doesn’t have talks with you trying to figure out if you could build a life together, he might just be stringing you along.

Healthy: He wants marriage too. You have the same relationship goal and he’s engaged in conversations about what your life would look like if you two got married.

09. Your Toxic Behaviors

Settling: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—are the ‘4 Horseman’ of relationship doom, and according to the research of Dr. Gottman, lead to divorce. I joke with my clients, “You might as well sign the divorce papers along with the marriage license,” if these four traits proliferate already. Couples must take these toxic behaviors seriously—and find ways to work on them before they become engaged.

Healthy: The 4 Horsemen might show their faces at times, but not often. You may be critical or get defensive, but you move on—as it’s infrequent enough. You’ve learned to effectively repair any damage your behaviors have done.

10. Your Deal Breakers

Settling: You’re overlooking deal breakers and red flags. You believe he’ll change his mind or think, “Oh, we’ll figure it out later.” It might be scary, but not addressing issues these issues can make you waste even more of your time.

Healthy: You’ve talked through any possible deal breakers and red flags—and realize that some issues, are just personality quirks that will be perpetual—and it doesn’t spell out doom, just realism.

Letting go of someone you love—even if they’re a terrible fit—can still be terrifying. You don’t know if you’ll find anyone else, and you may fear that you’ll be single forever. On the flip side, if you’ve been dating your guy a while, you should know your partner isn’t perfect. Remember, you can view your unmarried state as one of power—the power to figure out if you’re with a good man, and the potential power to give yourself permission to find someone who is a better fit, for both of you.

*As seen in Verily

I received a question from a reader:

Dear Anita,

I’m in a 5-month relationship with my boyfriend. Things were great in the beginning but it’s been rocky the last couple of months. We’ve been arguing more and I don’t hear from him as often as I used to. I thought he was “The One” but now I’m not so sure. How do I know when to give up? Should I break up with him?

Dating is about taking the time to figure out if the person that you’re with is a good fit for you. Sometimes we believe so strongly that we have met our future partner – in the beginning of a relationship. But as time goes on, we can be plagued with doubts.

It takes time for patterns to develop, and at 5 months you’re around the point in your relationship where some of the infatuation fades and you can see your partner more realistically.

I commonly find that my clients stay in relationships longer than they should. A few questions you can answer to determine if you should stay or go:

1. Are you compromising your non-negotiables?

Do you find yourself rationalizing or justifying your boyfriend’s behaviors – or your own – that go against your non-negotiables? These can be things such as he wants to live in the suburbs but you don’t, or he doesn’t want to raise his children with a certain religion but you do. Whatever they are, if you find that you’re talking yourself out of your non-negotiables to keep your relationship, it’s not a good sign.

2. Are your needs being met?

If you’re considering breaking up, you’re unhappy to some degree. It’s difficult to feel fulfilled if your needs aren’t getting met. Think of what you find yourself complaining about or what brings you disappointment in your relationship – this can help you pinpoint your needs. For example, you want more communication but you’re not getting it – is this an important need for you?

3. Have you spoken up for what you want/need?

Some people think their partner should “just know” what they want. In the beginning of a relationship, you’re still learning about each other. It takes time to be so attuned to your partner that you can anticipate his needs, and 5 months may not be long enough for either of you to know what the other person wants. It’s better to speak up for what’s essential to you in a relationship.

4. Is there effort?

Relationships take work. They require conscious effort to not only consider your own needs, but also that of your partner’s. If your boyfriend isn’t demonstrating effort – or even if you find yourself without motivation – to make your relationship better, things probably won’t improve the longer you stay together.

5. Are you able to negotiate your differences?

Differences are inevitable. Are you and your boyfriend able to find win-win solutions to the things that you disagree on? Can you live with the differences if you can’t find mutually agreeable solutions? If not, you may have to find someone who is more naturally compatible with you.

Although there are no “one size fits all” answers, these questions can help guide you in making your decision of whether there is long-term success with your boyfriend.

7 Ways to Boost Your Relationship

Relationships have their ups and downs. If yours could use some tweaking, here are 7 ways to boost your relationship:

1. Show love the way your partner prefers. It’s one thing to know your partner loves you, but another to feel it on an emotional level. We all show love differently – some of us may prefer to spend as much time with our partner as we can, while others rely on physical touch to feel connected. Know your partner’s “love language” and give freely in that way.
2. Keep your positive illusions. People who are happy in their relationships believe that their partner is better than anyone else out there. What matters is that you think your partner suits you the best (and this doesn’t mean that you won’t complain about your partner or ever have disagreements). Holding onto these positive illusions is key to making your relationship last!
3. Show acceptance. It’s easier to be vulnerable in a relationship when you’re accepted for who you are. No doubt you can identify differences between you and your partner, whether big or small. Convey that you accept your partner and in necessary instances, you may just have to negotiate your differences.
4. Speak up – and pay attention. Your partner is not your mind reader. If you want or need something in your relationship, gently ask your partner for it. You can also heighten your awareness – your partner probably lets you know what they want or need, you may just need to tune in better to pick up on it.
5. Do novel things together. Romantic love fades, on average, around the 18-month mark. But this doesn’t mean it has to be dead forever. Doing new and different things can help trigger and sustain feelings of romance. Explore a different part of the city, have a surprise weekend outing or take a class together. Little things can invigorate your passion.
6. Have sex, in and outside the bedroom. Oxytocin is known as the “cuddle hormone” and is associated with closeness, calm, attachment and trust. It is released during orgasm and physical affection. To elevate oxytocin levels in you and your partner, have sex (the more you have it, the more you’ll want it) and hold hands, kiss and hug frequently. Also talk about your sex life outside the bedroom – recount your favorite moments, keep flirting, discuss fantasies and what you’re looking forward to next.
7. Give your relationship daily attention. One of the things I frequently hear from my clients is how disconnected they feel from their partner. Relationships won’t survive without meaningful attention. You don’t have to spend hours a day (that’s not realistic!) but engaging in even a few minutes of one-on-one time can make a huge difference. Recount your day, talk about your highs and lows, and set aside a consistent date night to keep the romance and connection alive.

With these 7 tips, you can boost your relationship starting today.