Have you ever had – what you considered – a great date, and then you never heard from the guy again? Then you start thinking about everything that you said, how you “blew it,” what you did to scare him away and so on. You may even reach out to your friends, divulging every detail of your date to see if they could pinpoint where you went wrong?

Stop it.

Ladies, some of you care and overanalyze waaaaay too much about one little date. Not only do you examine every interaction and second-guess your behavior, but then you become your own worst enemy and critic. Instead of thinking that there might be something off with the guy, you look at yourself and just pile on blame and self-loathing. You take things too personally.

I coach a lot of smart and successful women. Whether they’re in their 20s, 30s or 40s, if they’re single, the goal I always hear is: “Anita, I want you to find out what’s wrong with me.” You look inwardly and put yourselves down instead of looking outwardly at the guy or the situation. Maybe the guy just wants to date around so the timing is off, he’s been through a recent breakup or he just started a new job that is very demanding. Or maybe he’s super picky and judgmental and no one would be good enough for him! Who knows? Sometimes you won’t get closure about why someone cut contact and didn’t ask you out again. You can either beat yourself up over nothing or just let it go and move on, keeping your self-esteem intact.

That’s not to say that a little reflection after a date can’t be good. Maybe you shouldn’t have been 45 minutes late to your date or had two more cocktails than you planned on having. But dissecting every little detail is pointless, exhausting and won’t lead to happiness – or a relationship.

There are several risks to these self put-downs. You may start doubting your own likability, so when you meet someone who shows you any interest, you latch on because you think he’s you’re only chance at love. Or conversely, you can make assumptions and create a problem that doesn’t actually exist. You can stop a budding romance just because of your worry! You can also suck the fun out of dating. The next guy you go out with, instead of having fun with him, you’re going to be too worried about what you say or do to not scare him off. You may come across as stiff and awkward and then boom! You have just created a self-fulfilling prophecy because the guy won’t ask you out again. But he’s not rejecting the real you, just the over-analytical you.

If you’re prone to over-analysis, try keeping a few men in your dating portfolio. It’ll help to avoid focusing on the details of one date. Also, if you don’t hear from a guy, challenge yourself to think of reasons that have nothing to do with you. What he does or does not do is not a direct reflection off of you! And don’t forget, there’s nothing wrong with you. Really.

Ok ladies, ‘fess up. Have you been on a great date with a nice guy but he just didn’t do anything for you emotionally? He called when he said he would, confirmed plans, was a gentleman…but nothing in the feelings department. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

So you dump the nice guy and move on. You meet someone else, but this new guy gives you mixed signals. He calls, but takes his time doing so. He shows you that he’s interested in you, but you’re not exclusive since he’s still playing the field. You start to doubt his attraction to you, and you wonder if your relationship is even going anywhere.

But then he takes you on a date or compliments you, and you get butterflies. Your heart races and you’re happy, telling yourself that he’s interested and there’s a chance at a future together after all. But these feelings don’t last very long. He pulls back, he’s unpredictable with contact, but gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked. You may think, “If he just sees how awesome I am, he’ll want to be with me.” The uncertainty keeps you thinking about the guy all of the time, and your mood fluctuates based on whether you’ve heard from him or if he’s given you attention. You feel like you overanalyze everything.

If you’ve been on this emotional roller coaster often, chances are that you’ve mistaken your anxiety and uncertainty about the relationship as butterflies and chemistry (or for some, even love). This can be risky because you may be with a partner who’s not well suited for you. If you have a lot of anxiety, feeling calm with your date (like with a nice guy) may not be a bad thing. You seek closeness, want to be reassured and to know where you stand in a relationship. You may think you’re needy or clingy for wanting intimacy and reassurance, but in fact these are healthy for a relationship.

Intimacy and connection happen in a lot of ways, but one of them is by being vulnerable with our partner. In order to be able to share your hopes and dreams and fears openly, you need to feel secure with your partner. A nice guy who is consistent with his attention to you is much more likely to create and provide this security than the guys who leave you guessing about their interest in you.

As you date, pay attention if you find yourself feeling insecure and analyzing your date’s every action, and feeling bliss every once in awhile. Be aware that this may be your anxiety acting up because of his inconsistent actions, and not chemistry or passion.

So give the nice guy a chance, and you may get what you’re looking for and need to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.