“They were right. I’ll never be good enough.”
“Who am I kidding? I’ll never get that degree.”
“What’s the point in trying? Things will never get better.”

Have you found yourself repeating the narratives above or something similar? I know I have. It kept me in a constant loop of making the same choices and getting the same unwanted outcomes. It is common to repeat unhelpful beliefs, because it is familiar and easy; yet, the cost is immense. This is a trap that keeps you stuck. The unhelpful beliefs may seem to work because you are not required to change. Change can be scary because it often means leaving the comfort zone into unfamiliar territory. I am here to tell you that the cycle of useless beliefs that you’re repeating to yourself won’t make your life better. Chances are, you will feel worse about yourself and won’t work towards the things you truly want.

Let’s apply useless thinking to an example. A goal of mine is learning to swim and I know I will need lessons. Let’s say the first person I share my goal with says “Don’t waste your time. You’ll never learn how to swim.” Yikes! Thanks, dream killer. Why should I believe that? Can they predict the future? Absolutely not. Now, imagine being supported by someone that says “Learning how to swim is possible with practice. I know a great instructor and I believe with consistent effort, you will become an excellent swimmer.” This is a narrative worth holding on to. Sounds supportive and rational, right? Who wouldn’t want to be supported that way?

Unlearning useless beliefs can be challenging because you likely have been repeating these narratives for most of your life. It didn’t happen overnight, therefore don’t expect yourself to unlearn them right away. This is where compassion is necessary–and not to be used as an excuse to remain stuck. Meaning, you can have compassion towards yourself for the impact those beliefs had on your life. The pain it caused you and others can be difficult to face and you can use it as an opportunity to change your thought patterns.

To clarify, I am not encouraging you to be dishonest with yourself. This information is meant to be used towards beliefs that aren’t serving you. The beliefs that hinder your growth are worth letting go of. Let’s imagine Michael Phelps challenges me to swim and I go for it, without taking those lessons. I’m so excited that I tell everyone that they should place a bet for me to win. Doesn’t sound wise, does it? He’d probably end up rescuing me instead because I’d be putting myself in danger. However, with lessons, I am capable of beating him (let me dream).

Application: Make a list of the beliefs you have that both support and hinder your goals. After identifying the thoughts that don’t work for you, slowly replace them with a supportive thought that you genuinely believe. The more you repeat them, it will be easier to add new helpful beliefs to your memory bank. Don’t force the beliefs upon yourself because it likely won’t stick for long. As you practice, notice how your mindset shifts over time.

One of the most common struggles people experience that can affect their emotional intimacy in relationships is low self-esteem. It is a concept that people tend to forget about despite being laid out in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. When we embrace our human mistakes and have a more positive outlook on our own self, our self-esteem meter tends to increase. This positive shift in how we view ourselves can enhance not just our mental well-being, but also our relationships, motivation, and ability to form deep emotional connections.

People are usually not taught about the concept of self-esteem and may not really think about it, other than considering that they have lower self-esteem than others. It is crucial to reflect on our self-esteem from time to time to allow room for reflection and further growth or personal growth in relationship.

Growth can happen when we begin to notice moments where we can increase love for ourselves and practice self-acceptance. The more we love ourselves, the more likely we are to feel good about ourselves. Loving ourselves is attainable by being more focused on our strengths rather than our weaknesses or past mistakes, but it does not mean you think of yourself as perfect! 

Here are seven things you can implement this upcoming week to increase your self-esteem over time:

1. Focus on the strengths you had shine through this week.
2. Relive the successes you had (a date, work, financial decisions, relationship accomplishment, goal).
3. Keep track of your strengths or accomplishments of the week so you can review the list often.
4. Humanize your mistakes by reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes by saying it out loud.
5. Reflect on the positives you hear from others about yourself.
6. Avoid the “should have done/said” when replaying situations.
7. Acknowledge yourself when you do something that takes effort.

Try implementing these strategies and begin noticing the differences that you may feel in increasing your self-love and, as a result, your self-esteem.

If you are looking forward to increasing your self-esteem and breaking negative thought patterns, reach out to me via our contact form and I can help.

Do you tell yourself you’ll be happy when you make more money?

Do you believe you’ll never get married because it didn’t happen when you expected it to?

Do you believe you’ll never reach your fitness goals if you don’t go to the gym?

If you answer yes to any of the questions above, chances are, you’re putting your happiness on hold. ¨I’ll be happy when…” is a common belief that may lead to self-sabotage behaviors ( i.e., settling, not getting your needs met, etc.). Focusing on being happy for a time that hasn’t arrived can prevent you from being present. While the belief that you’ll be happier may seem optimistic, that is usually not the case for most situations. Let’s look at the first scenario above. Holding onto that belief may cause you to feel unhappy while waiting for more money to come. Wanting more money is okay and there is no guarantee more will make you happy. Assessing why you think you’ll be happier if you made more money is a great place to start. Having an understanding of why you think you’ll be happier can be beneficial as you decide what steps to take moving forward while you wait.

A friend of self-sabotage is impatience. Waiting patiently can be difficult because there is uncertainty of when your dreams will come to life. It may be easy to contemplate giving up and/or attempt to rush the process. Being flexible with knowing that things may not happen when you’d like may remove the pressure of feeling rushed and believing it’ll be now or never. If what you want is important, reserve time to slow down and reflect before taking action. Practicing patience allows you to meet yourself where you are and move at your pace.

Another sign of self-sabotage that may keep you stuck in a harmful cycle is black-and-white (all-or-nothing) thinking. Maybe you feel nothing will be good enough unless everything goes according to plan. Black-and-white thinking can lead to being afraid of taking action if you believe you won’t get your desired outcome. The path to reaching your goals may look differently than you imagined and now may be a good time to pull out the drawing board to reevaluate your options.

Let’s imagine you want to increase your physical activity. Lifting weights may not be your desire and there is more than one way to become active. Maybe you enjoy dancing, running, yoga, etc. When you know what you want and focus on what you enjoy, you are likely to reach your goal sooner than you believe. Adding color to your thought process may provide comfort in knowing your options are endless.

Common thought processes to challenge usually contain “I should/can’t.” By reframing your thoughts to “I get to” and “I choose to” allows you to focus on the control you have. A common belief I hear clients express is thinking they have to do something they have no desire to do because of what they’ve learned and observed from others. As simple as reframing a thought may seem, it can help to eliminate self-sabotage behaviors and remove what doesn’t serve you. When your actions no longer add value to your life, it is likely that you are not getting your needs met. If you’re standing in your way, you may experience difficulty with not letting others do the same. Honoring your personal boundaries may teach you self-respect and give you courage to set boundaries with others.

If what you’re doing keeps you from accomplishing goals, completing deadlines, etc., ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is there an activity you’ve always wanted to try? Imagine what it’d be like to start today. Creating space for things you enjoy can promote having something to look forward to and will likely increase your desire to return to it because it brings positivity. Can you remember a time you accomplished a goal? Focusing on what worked well can be encouraging as you are likely to see you already have useful tools. Practice giving yourself grace by knowing it’s okay to be unsatisfied in one area of your life while finding fulfillment in areas that are going well.

A common theme I have noticed while working with individual female clients who have some degree of anxiety, is that they tend to put themselves in the back seat.

What does that mean? Their anxiety becomes the forefront of every aspect in their life.  Most of the time, they do not notice it, and oftentimes it is caused because they are concerned about others and how something they said or did may have affected someone else.

Anxiety is not the best personal feature to carry around with us. I speak, not only as a person practicing in this field or as a graduate student who has studied a ton about anxiety, but also as someone who has anxious tendencies herself. Anxiety is like a lingering shadow. Sometimes it is hidden and we cannot see it, and other times it is visible though we cannot always control when it decides to reveal itself. It often feels like it is always following us and just a step behind. Anxiety has the tendency to create negative thoughts, such as an all-or-nothing way of thinking and in the absolutes of “should” and “must.” These come out in various ways, such as “I should have said this to X…” or “Maybe I should not have said that….”

Where does it say there is a ‘should or shouldn’t’ in most instances? When our anxiety decides to reveal itself, it can cause many distorted thoughts, and we tend to not even think of ourselves. Instead, the energy is placed on those anxieties and in doing so we neglect ourselves. It becomes a concern and our mind battles in thinking of “what I did or said” that may have affected others, or our partners in our romantic relationships.

It is essential to watch for the telltale signs before your anxiety peaks. Did you know that when you know something is coming up, your body tends to get tense and anxious? Watching how your body reacts to when this is happening can provide you with valuable information to let you know that you are getting anxious. Though if you take a moment each day to prioritize yourself, this will inevitably help your personal development as a whole, resulting in a positive effect in your relationship with others and your life in general. Prioritizing yourself also includes being able to express yourself to others without being anxious about how they might perceive it. If you are doing it respectfully and calmly, chances are they would be more open to your suggestions and clarify your concerns. Here are some of the ways you could prioritize yourself:

1. Taking some me-time (it doesn’t matter if it’s taking a bath or getting a Big Mac or both).
2. Positive Affirmations (Today is a new day to restart!).
3. Carve out time to do an activity with the people you love and want to spend time with (going to Lincoln Park Zoo or dinner at RPM).
4. Journal (keep track of your thought and feeling patterns).
5. Attend therapy (there are different types of therapy —find the one that works best for you).

There is much more involved when it comes to being anxious, but rather this is glimpse towards what anxiety is and how it can affect you. The question is, how will you prioritize yourself starting form today? If you would like to reach out to me and work towards kicking anxiety to the backseat, please feel free to reach me 312.600.8912.

I’m not a runner.
I don’t have a runner’s build.
I just can’t run.

These are just some of the excuses I’ve told myself all my life. And a pitiful Foam Glow 5K about six years ago almost permanently set these self-limiting beliefs in stone. But when the pandemic hit and Chicago shut down, I had more time to work out, and I wanted—needed—a challenge. I decided to push myself and give running a try again.

I downloaded the Couch Potato to Running 5K (C25K) app. The first several days of training were easy, but I remember when I clicked on the day where I needed to run 20 minutes straight. I looked at the app with dismay. There was no way I could do this, I thought.

But then I did it.

I continued to use the app to guide my training. And every day I got stronger and my stamina increased. Less than two months of following the app, I was ready to run my first 5K of 2020. Then within two weeks of my first one, I ran 3 more. Despite the notoriously awful humidity of Chicago summers, I outran my excuses and kept on going.

Okay, so why does this matter—and what does this have to do with you and your love life?

While on a run recently (because I do those now!), I was examining the limiting beliefs I’ve had about myself and recognized that they’re all-too-similar to what I hear from my clients on a daily basis—especially when it comes to their relationships. This is particularly true when it comes to problems stemming from emotional intimacy, which are recently rather prevalent due to the ongoing pandemic. The stay-at-home order has caused more couples to spend more time together, but as many quickly find out: more time doesn’t necessarily mean more intimacy.

I’ve been working with couples where Partner A still feels disconnected and is making more frequent efforts to connect with Partner B since they’re physically around more. The problem arises when Partner B doesn’t feel as comfortable with emotional intimacy, and reacts poorly—often unintentionally pushing Partner A away and hurting their feelings.

When I ask Partner B what prevents them from getting close to Partner A, I hear things such as:

I’m not built that way.
It’s just a personality thing.
I’m like that with everybody.
Exes have called me The Ice Queen / Ice Man.
I wasn’t brought up to talk about feelings.

The discomfort of being vulnerable and emotionally intimate with their partner is palpable, and I feel it deeply through many telehealth sessions I’ve conducted during quarantine. Of course, the ‘Partner Bs’ have their excuses. My Irish-born client “Sean” cites his culture, for example. “We don’t talk about our feelings, Anita,” he tells me, emphasizing that even his sister is uncomfortable with deep talks with her husband. “We just didn’t grow up talking openly.”

No matter your background, how do you know what you can do, unless you consistently try? Comfort and skill with emotional intimacy is a muscle that has to be exercised, just like any muscle. When it comes to the most important relationship in your life, it’s not “a personality thing.” It’s your life line—no matter your culture, age, or gender. Just as cardio transforms the health of our physical heart, so intimacy transforms the health of our relational hearts—which affects our happiness both in and out of the relationship.

Sure, it might feel easier to create goals for our physical health. They’re more concrete. You either accomplish them or you don’t. You know the drill:

run a 5K
lose 15 pounds
give up carbs for 1 month

But aren’t emotional goals just as important—if not more so—than an upcoming 5k or 15 pesky pounds? Doesn’t the strength of your relationship matter more than ever, especially during these unprecedented, stressful times?

You can create concrete goals for your emotional well-being just like for your physical. But, just like physical goals, it’s important to be realistic. If I told myself, “Anita, run a 5K” on Day 1 of using the app, I would’ve failed. I knew that would’ve been a ridiculous and unrealistic goal.

Just like Sean balked when his wife asked him to spend 30 minutes engaged in pillow talk with her. So we started with 5 minutes and are working on slowly bumping it up by 2-3 minute increments.

Start small. Ask your partner for concrete ways that they feel connected to you. Examine a way you can begin there. Don’t hesitate Googling for inspiration—start here or talk to a therapist to get started. And what can Partner A do? Applaud and affirm these efforts. After all, you’re the inspiration, so stay inspiring! Do not ask when the next marathon will be. Partner Bs will more likely train if you understand the herculean efforts they’re making.

If you’re personally struggling like Sean, here are some ideas of what could be on your list:

Talk through two conflict conversations without shutting down
1x / week initiate a game to understand my partner more intimately
Listen instead of trying to fix things or solve a problem
Within two days I will tell my partner when they hurt my feelings instead of waiting several weeks
I will initiate “I love you” more frequently and not just wait to respond when my partner says it to me first

I’d love to hear from you about your goals, whether for your physical or emotional well-being. Send me an email at anita@relationshipreality312.com. I’ll respond when I’m not training for my 10K.