Research on a gender binary shows that 1 in 3 cis women and 1 in 4 cis men have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact during their lifetimes. Moreover, 50-66% of transgender or gender non-conforming people have experienced sexual assault. Thus, it is highly likely that you or a partner has experienced sexual trauma. You can read more stats on the RAINN and OVC websites.

Research supports that sexual trauma, especially when experienced at a young age, results in structural changes in the brain. These structural changes may impact a person by increasing their reactivity in disagreements, an exaggerated startle response, self-blame, discomfort in one’s body, and lack of interest in sex or conversely, hyperarousal. It’s important that you understand that your partner cannot control these reactions, but they can work on managing them.

Moreover, your partner may not have all of the answers of what their triggers are and how their past trauma is impacting them, so your patience is imperative. Keep in mind that progress for your partner is not always linear and sometimes they make take one step forward and two steps backward. Living through a traumatic event shakes someone to their core, and so does going through treatment and reliving it. So, be patient with your partner if they are involved in therapy.

Here are some things to be mindful of when in a relationship with someone who has experienced sexual trauma:

Dos:

1. Take accountability for your role during conflict with your partner.
2. Be a safe person to talk to by allowing your partner the time and space to share what happened with you. For instance, when/if your partner opens up to you, say, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
3. Do have patience with and compassion for your partner.
4. Say, “Thank you for telling me” when your partner sets a boundary around sex and/or emotional intimacy or communicates a need.
5. Ask your partner what they need from you.
6. Always ask for consent for sex or touching. It may be difficult for your partner to speak up so ask them and give them the opportunity to say “no.”
7. Help to identify your partner’s triggers and work to minimize their exposure to them. For example, if loud noises or voices are a trigger, avoid leaving the television on or slamming doors.
8. Be sensitive and empathetic to their emotions. Offer comfort and warmth, especially during flashbacks or times of intense anxiety.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t place undue blame on your partner for problems in the relationship.
2. Do not shift the focus of the conversation to your anger towards their abuser (i.e., before saying that you are so angry you’re going to beat up/kill/verbally aggress their abuser, ask yourself, “How would that actually help my partner right now?” Hint: It probably would be more helpful to listen to your partner and let them express their feelings and emotions).
3. Avoid blaming them for their symptoms or minimizing the severity of their trauma. Here are some things you should NEVER say:
    
   1. “Snap out of it” or “Get over it”
   2. “It’s in the past” or “It was so long ago”
   3. “It’s not that bad”
   4. “You’re crazy”
   4. It’s never helpful to tell your partner how to feel or give them unsolicited advice. If they don’t want to report the incident, do not tell them to. Only 25 out of 1000 rapes end in the rapist going to prison.

   For further guidance on this topic, you can schedule an appointment with me.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. One in six American women have survived a completed or attempted rape (14.8% completed; 2.8% attempted). 33% of women who have been raped contemplate suicide.

Of 1000 sexual assaults, 230 are reported and 5 of them result in a conviction. Rape Culture and the Patriarchy maintain these statistics. As a therapist specializing in working with young women who have experienced sexual abuse, a good portion of the work my clients and I do is spent challenging internalized messages about their experience from the Patriarchy so their healing process can begin. Here’s some of the internalized messages that we challenge and deconstruct:

There’s no such thing as non-consensual sex; there is fully, 100% consensual sex and there is rape. Manifestation of a gray area perpetuates Rape Culture.

1. It doesn’t matter what someone was wearing; suggesting otherwise is victim-blaming and thus sides with the rapist.
2. Sexual trauma changes one’s brain structuring and suggesting that one can “just get over it” further perpetuates the problem.
3. Sexual assault, especially in childhood, is most likely to be perpetrated by someone we know. Don’t discount someone’s story because they were in a relationship or their abuser was a family member or friend.
4. Just because a survivor has positive memories with their abuser and/or was/still is in love with them, DOES NOT mean that they weren’t raped.
5. Reporting a sexual assault does not “ruin” the abuser’s reputation: it makes their reputation more accurate.
6. A survivor’s choice to disclose is THEIR CHOICE. This means timing, to whom, amount of information, etc.

As women, we are socialized by the Patriarchy to second-guess our own experience. This socialization and internalized messages perpetuate Rape Culture. Rape Culture was established by the Patriarchy as a way to excuse violence against women and keep women oppressed. Many of the internalized messages that my clients have are maintained by several cultural myths about Rape Culture:

1. Victim Masochism (“She wanted it.”)
2. Victim Precipitation (“She asked for it.”)
3. Victim Characteristics (“It wasn’t really rape.”)
4. Victim Fabrication (“She lied.”)
5. Male Justification (“He didn’t mean to.”)
6. Violent Acts Are Not Harmful (“Rape is a trivial event.”)
7. The Acts Are Deviant (“Rape is a deviant act.”)

These cultural beliefs support not only rape but also support sexual harassment, battering, sexual murder, and other forms of violence against women. Rape myths obscure the high prevalence rates of rape and they justify and normalize the occurrences of rape. Rape myths also divert attention for the causes of rape from societal structures (i.e. the Patriarchy) by blaming the individual victim. When the victim is blamed, harmful societal (patriarchal) structures are not challenged nor changed.

Statistics: rainn.org

Source for Cultural Myths about Rape: Koss, M.P., Goodman, L.A., Browne, A., Fitzgerald, L.F., Keita, G.P., & Russo, N.F. (1994). No safe haven: Male violence against women at home, at work, and in the community. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association