Do you tell yourself you’ll be happy when you make more money?

Do you believe you’ll never get married because it didn’t happen when you expected it to?

Do you believe you’ll never reach your fitness goals if you don’t go to the gym?

If you answer yes to any of the questions above, chances are, you’re putting your happiness on hold. ¨I’ll be happy when…” is a common belief that may lead to self-sabotage behaviors ( i.e., settling, not getting your needs met, etc.). Focusing on being happy for a time that hasn’t arrived can prevent you from being present. While the belief that you’ll be happier may seem optimistic, that is usually not the case for most situations. Let’s look at the first scenario above. Holding onto that belief may cause you to feel unhappy while waiting for more money to come. Wanting more money is okay and there is no guarantee more will make you happy. Assessing why you think you’ll be happier if you made more money is a great place to start. Having an understanding of why you think you’ll be happier can be beneficial as you decide what steps to take moving forward while you wait.

A friend of self-sabotage is impatience. Waiting patiently can be difficult because there is uncertainty of when your dreams will come to life. It may be easy to contemplate giving up and/or attempt to rush the process. Being flexible with knowing that things may not happen when you’d like may remove the pressure of feeling rushed and believing it’ll be now or never. If what you want is important, reserve time to slow down and reflect before taking action. Practicing patience allows you to meet yourself where you are and move at your pace.

Another sign of self-sabotage that may keep you stuck in a harmful cycle is black-and-white (all-or-nothing) thinking. Maybe you feel nothing will be good enough unless everything goes according to plan. Black-and-white thinking can lead to being afraid of taking action if you believe you won’t get your desired outcome. The path to reaching your goals may look differently than you imagined and now may be a good time to pull out the drawing board to reevaluate your options.

Let’s imagine you want to increase your physical activity. Lifting weights may not be your desire and there is more than one way to become active. Maybe you enjoy dancing, running, yoga, etc. When you know what you want and focus on what you enjoy, you are likely to reach your goal sooner than you believe. Adding color to your thought process may provide comfort in knowing your options are endless.

Common thought processes to challenge usually contain “I should/can’t.” By reframing your thoughts to “I get to” and “I choose to” allows you to focus on the control you have. A common belief I hear clients express is thinking they have to do something they have no desire to do because of what they’ve learned and observed from others. As simple as reframing a thought may seem, it can help to eliminate self-sabotage behaviors and remove what doesn’t serve you. When your actions no longer add value to your life, it is likely that you are not getting your needs met. If you’re standing in your way, you may experience difficulty with not letting others do the same. Honoring your personal boundaries may teach you self-respect and give you courage to set boundaries with others.

If what you’re doing keeps you from accomplishing goals, completing deadlines, etc., ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is there an activity you’ve always wanted to try? Imagine what it’d be like to start today. Creating space for things you enjoy can promote having something to look forward to and will likely increase your desire to return to it because it brings positivity. Can you remember a time you accomplished a goal? Focusing on what worked well can be encouraging as you are likely to see you already have useful tools. Practice giving yourself grace by knowing it’s okay to be unsatisfied in one area of your life while finding fulfillment in areas that are going well.

I’ve been a couples therapist for over 16 years, and there’s one particular communication pattern that makes me cringe every time I witness it with my clients. Lucky for you, Season 3’s Netflix’s Love Is Blind will give you a front-row view.

So, it goes something like this.

Partner A says they’ll do something or fulfill a request by Partner B. But as Partner A takes action, Partner B will be critical, controlling, and sometimes even take over. This was made evident between Zanab and Cole during the fish cooking incident. Now, I know this is a snapshot in time, it’s a teachable moment—and it’s so important. (Pst, it’s in Episode 9, starting at 40:10, in case you want to watch it.)

Note the stuff in italics are my comments. The rest is the play-by-play.

Cole says, “Good enough,” as he finishes chopping the sweet potatoes and tells the brussel sprouts to, “Make me proud,” as he throws them in the oven.Now, let’s pause here. Just by his language (“good enough!”, we can see that he’s laid back about cooking. He doesn’t stress. He’s not a perfectionist. And he’s generally optimistic everything will turn out alright. (“Make me proud!”)

Now Zanab walks in the door, and they greet each other. This was a positive. Highly recommend doing a greeting ritual when you come home.

Zanab: I’m excited you’re finally cooking for me. You said you were going to for so long. Oh, no — passive-aggressive here.

Cole: It’s the effort that counts.Optimistic again. He tries to highlight a positive.

Cole then pours the white wine.

Zanab: Can I have a stemmed glass? ….So, fun fact. You put white wine in a stemmed glass because a hand around this warms it up.

Cole’s response: I’m a sophisticated man after all these lessons on wine. Hmm, Zanab isn’t exactly doling out praise or thankfulness. Fun fact: I checked with a wine expert, and Zanab isn’t entirely right, and Cole isn’t wholly wrong. Holding a glass by the stem does prevent the wine from warming, but with a stemless glass, you can hold the glass above the wine. So, just a little incident that reminds me that both partners have valid perspectives and reasons for doing what they do.

Zanab: You started the chicken early. Aren’t the potato fries gonna take ages? Oh great! More criticism.

Cole: Yeah, we’ll eat them after everything. That’s how I always do it. Cole explains his reasoning and his preference for the dinner he is making. 

Zanab: Why don’t you use tongs or something? By itself, it might sound like a suggestion, but with everything said so far, it feels more like criticism, doesn’t it?

She then pushes him out of the way where the chicken is cooking on the stovetop (controlling) and says, Why aren’t you holding it where the raw bit is? Again, criticism!

Cole: You’ve been hired. He tries to diffuse with humor. This could have been an opportunity for him to tell her to relax. He’s stepping back, fearing more criticism.

Z: This was meant for you to be cooking for me, babe. So, then, why don’t you let him cook? This is a prime opportunity for her to butt out and let him cook the way he’s been cooking before he met her.

Z: This is a very white, not seasoned piece of chicken. Please season it. Criticism.

He tries to season it, and she says, “We don’t need any more on this side.” It feels like he can’t win, doesn’t it? He follows her direction, but it appears not even that is good enough for her standards. I see this all the time with my couples.

They have an interaction with a Nerf gun. Cole hits one at her, and she responds with: What is wrong with you? Criticism. (Side note: On one of Cole’s IG posts he writes: I want someone who appreciates me being crazy and weird, not someone who wants to ‘tone it down.’” He’s definitely not getting appreciation or acceptance from Zanab here.)

Cole asks if she’s mad and says, “You don’t know how to have fun. I want you to be less bratty.” Cole has had enough. Now, he is now matching criticism for criticism.

(To the camera) Cole: It just seems like I’m getting two different versions of Zanab.

Between Zanab and Cole, they discuss what just happened, and Cole shares: I can’t even spill chicken without you thinking I’m immature or something. We can’t get past 20 minutes together without some kind of a trip wire…I don’t feel good about this in this moment. This is what happens when you get criticism after criticism directed at you.

Zanab: You’re going to spill chicken. Chicken isn’t a deal breaker for me. Zanab misses the point. It’s not about the chicken! Cole tries to explain:

Cole: It’s the way that we relate. I want a wife who laughs with me and builds me up and isn’t pissed and ticked and perturbed by every little thing that happens that isn’t ideal. Zanab made so many critical comments in such a short amount of time that Cole’s feelings here are understandable. Happy couples do build each other up. He goes on to add:

Cole: I would expect my wife to like me a little bit more, I guess.

Z: How can you think I don’t like you?

Cole pointed toward the kitchen and what happened and said, “There’s just moments.”

Zanab asks what she needs to show him that she likes him.

Cole: To not feel like I’m inferior. Cole feels that Zanab is expressing contempt—which is the most dangerous of Gottman’s Four Horsemen.

Z: I have never thought that of you. Ever. Perhaps she may not believe it—but her behaviors show otherwise. Cole adds that he feels like she puts him down every day. This is the consequence of critical comments. He likely thinks that he’s walking on eggshells, can’t do anything right, and is constantly under a microscope. What usually happens is that the person gives up because they don’t see the point. With all the critical comments and then her taking over the cooking—why would Cole want to cook for her again? 

So, now that we’ve walked through that cringeworthy interaction, I want to address one of Cole’s comments that he said in the heat of the moment while he tried to defend himself amid criticism.

• When Cole asks Zanab if she’s “bipolar,” he is adding fuel to the fire. What he should have done instead is just taken a break. Maybe he could have said, “I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m trying to say. Maybe we just need to take a break right now and try again tomorrow. I might not be articulating myself well.”

If you want a relationship to work, you have to accept that your partner is never—and I do mean never—going to do things precisely as you would do them. Instead of thinking of these approaches as “wrong,” just think of them as “different.” Perhaps you grew up in a home that showed loved through criticism—it never felt too good, did it? Well, try not to show it in your relationships, either. Instead, focus on your partner’s intention and effort into your relationship. Don’t try to change their methods.

As Cole put it, “It’s good enough.”

Step into my proverbial office. I’m going to recreate some scenarios I see all the time in my therapy sessions:

Sarah has been in a relationship with her partner for four years. She tells me, “I feel like something is missing. We’re not as close as I want to be.” 

Maria has been dating a guy for nine months and she still doesn’t know if he’s her boyfriend. Nor has she met his friends or family. 

George has been exclusive with his girlfriend for three months. But recently, it feels like she’s done a 180. She used to care about his needs, but now she’s completely consumed by her own. 

Marshall says that his boyfriend calls him “needy” and that he “needs his space.” This is the first time he’s heard this from a partner.

Chrissy has been with her boyfriend for two years and still hasn’t heard “I love you” from him. 

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? If so, these could be signs that you’re dating someone who is emotionally unavailable.

So, what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? 

Another word for emotionally unavailable (besides “commitment-phobe”) is avoidantly attached. Everyone has an attachment system. It’s the pattern of emotions and behaviors that influence our emotional connection and comfort with loved ones. Modern psychology believes a lot of these behaviors were established with our caregivers between ages zero and seven.There are four types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant. Let’s go over them quickly.

1. Someone who has a secure attachment style is comfortable with closeness and intimacy—and entirely comfortable with being interdependent. They have no problem expressing their feelings or showing vulnerability with people who are important to them.
2. Someone with an anxious attachment style, on the other hand, is preoccupied with how their partner feels about them. They may worry about being abandoned or the relationship will end, and need constant reassurance that their partner cares for them.
3. Someone who is avoidantly attached avoids closeness and gets distressed by—and even fears—intimacy. They quickly feel suffocated in relationships. They might fiercely talk about their need for independence and proclaim that they “don’t need anyone.” Being vulnerable or sharing their feelings doesn’t just come unnaturally, but is actively avoided.
4. Finally, an anxious-avoidant person has a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies. It’s like a push-pull—they want closeness but then when they have it—they fear it—and suddenly feel the need to pull away.

Now, these are not absolute categories for everyone. After all, no one neatly fits in a box. Some people clearly are categorized; others will exhibit a mix of styles. Some might be mostly secure, but will occasionally exhibit anxious or avoidant tendencies when under stress. And then, there’s a spectrum. Someone who is absolutely terrified by intimacy will exhibit far different behaviors than someone who is merely uncomfortable with it.

And then, when you add another person into the mix, it gets even more complicated. For instance, some people can tolerate a partner with avoidant tendencies, but wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with someone who is highly avoidant. Familiarizing yourself with your own attachment style and your partner’s can help you gain clarity on what’s best for you.

You can take this quiz to find out.

Should you stay or should you go?

Now, once you figure out your partner is avoidantly attached, you might wonder: is this worth it? And that question is completely okay! It’s not selfish to consider your own needs. While knowing why a person acts a certain way can be tremendously helpful (it’s not you!) when you navigate a relationship, knowledge alone doesn’t necessarily alleviate all the problems. It’s common for clients to come into my therapy practice wondering if they should stay with their partner or end the relationship.

I’ve discovered that there’s eight main indicators that provide my clients clarity when they’re trying to decide. So, without further ado:

You should go if:

1. You have a lot of anxiety in a relationship and need a lot of reassurance. It’s very common for someone who is highly anxious to get attached to someone who is avoidantly attached. If you need a lot of quality time, affection, and reassurance, an emotionally unavailable partner is not the right fit for you. If you find yourself constantly pursuing your partner for more intimacy and closeness, take a moment to really consider if you can do this for the rest of your life. Research shows that this pursuer-distancer pattern in a relationship is dysfunctional. Your best bet for relationship happiness is to find someone securely attached instead.
2. Sexual satisfaction is a top priority. Now to be clear: sex is not an issue with every avoidant. But if you’ve already experienced a lot of intimacy rejection with your partner, consider that it will not improve with time. Research shows that avoidants have the least amount of sex with their partners and that the higher the avoidance, the lower the levels of sexual (and relationship) satisfaction.
3. You are tired of waiting for a clear future. Commonly, avoidantly attached partners leave you uncertain about where you stand and are vague about having a future together. People can spend years in a relationship with avoidants going nowhere. If your partner is not making effort to figure out if you’re the one they want to be with to get out of their rut (such as reading self-help books, talking with happily married people, or going to counseling), it’s a sign you should end it. You deserve someone who shares the same life goals and knows they want to spend the rest of their life with you. Don’t waste your time with someone who can’t decide, even if their hang ups are more about them, and less about you. You deserve someone who actively wants to commit.
4. They are unwilling to change. Some avoidants are truly adamant that there is nothing wrong with never needing intimacy. Some avoidants have zero desire to change, and believe that it’s their partner who needs to change. If that’s the case—and that there’s no drive to do the “inner work” and evolve beyond their stunted emotional understanding—they won’t be able to meet your needs for closeness, intimacy, and security. And if you can’t get that from your partner, really, what’s the point?

You can stay if:

1. You like your alone time and independence too. This can be whether you’re a serious introvert or you have a busy, fulfilling life filled with time-consuming hobbies and many, many friends. Simply put: if you can enjoy lots of time away from your partner, and already have a robust emotional support system, you might be able to provide your partner with the distance they need to feel comfortable.
2. You can honestly lower your expectations. If you’re in a place of acceptance and confidence—and have a deep understanding that your partner is just never going to meet your emotional needs, you might be in the right mind space to stay. If, over time, you’ve developed mechanisms to stay emotionally healthy—perhaps you’ve established true friendships that meet your needs where your partner falls short—staying might be the best solution for you.
3. You truly believe their behavior is not a reflection of you. This is for those with iron-clad confidence. If you don’t take things personally because you know it’s just who they are, you might be able to do this. Watching them behave like this with others in their life, you know they’re not doing it specifically to hurt you or because they don’t care about you. It’s just who they are, and you’ve accepted it.
4. They are willing to change. Your partner may get to the point of recognizing their patterns across several different relationships, and it makes them sad. Or perhaps someone mentions a book for them to read, like Attached, and a light bulb goes off. Whatever the trigger that moves them into action, if your partner sees areas for growth and boldly takes the initiative to change, you may be able to create more closeness and intimacy that works for you both.

I get it. Deciding whether to stay or end a relationship is not always an easy one, but I hope these eight indicators will provide clarity to whether or not you can handle a lifetime with your avoidantly-attached partner.

Happy Pride everyone! Pride is a month of commemorations of the Stonewall Riots in the summer of 1969. During these riots, trans folks led the movement for LGBTQIA+ rights across America. Today, LGBTQIA+ communities come together to celebrate freedom. In the spirit of freedom and pride, some folks choose to come out to their friends and loved ones during this time.

How can you support someone who has come out to you? Here are 8 ways:

1. Thank them for trusting you and for having the courage to tell you. If someone comes out to you, it’s because they trust you and feel safe with you. Recognize this and thank them for it because it’s an honor.
2. Respect that they may not have come out to everyone just yet. Just because someone has come out to you, doesn’t mean they’ve come out to everyone in their life. Respect their confidentiality and be intentional about not outing them to others by using a name, pronouns, or implying sexual preference without their EXPLICIT permission to do so. For example, if someone comes out to you as non-binary and asks you to use “they/them” pronouns when you’re with them, ask, “Do you want me to also use they/them pronouns when I’m around others?”
3. Be the same friend/family member you’ve always been. Sometimes behaviors and interactions change between someone who has come out and their friends and family on the receiving end. This could be because you want to be careful not to offend them, but it is often interpreted as rejection. To make sure that the person who came out to you doesn’t feel rejected, be sure to maintain your friendship and even reach out more often. You can reach out shortly after the disclosure to ensure them that you are still friends.
4. Don’t say, “I love you no matter what.” Instead say, “I love you.” The former implies that something is wrong with their identity and wouldn’t be worthy of your love. However, it is important that your person feels accepted and not rejected. Thus, communicating that you simply love them is always the best way to go.
5. Anticipate and be prepared for mood swings and teenage-like choices. While coming out, some friends and family members may not be accepting—this can be hurtful and may result in angry outbursts or crying spells. Be prepared to help them in the best way possible during this time. Not only is coming out nerve-wracking and scary, it’s also exciting. When you were a teenager or in college and coming into your identity, you likely experimented with different outfit choices and hairstyles and explored your sexual likes and dislikes. Expect the same for the person coming out to you.
6. Go to places together. It’s important for your friend or family member to not feel isolated during this time. You can combat isolation by offering to go to different events with them, by taking them to lunch or coffee, or by connecting them with other LGBTQIA+ people that you know.
7. Educate yourself. Rather than pepper your friend/family member with a bunch of questions about things you don’t understand, take it upon yourself to learn. It can be burdensome and may feel invasive for your person to answer a multitude of questions over and over again. If anything, ask them how you can best support them. You can check out PFLAG, as well as books for parents, friends and allies, and everyone else.
8. Go to therapy. If you are really struggling with the news, it may be time for you to get some support from therapy. You want to be the best version of you to support your person (because you love them), so therapy can help support you. You can schedule with me

Research on a gender binary shows that 1 in 3 cis women and 1 in 4 cis men have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact during their lifetimes. Moreover, 50-66% of transgender or gender non-conforming people have experienced sexual assault. Thus, it is highly likely that you or a partner has experienced sexual trauma. You can read more stats on the RAINN and OVC websites.

Research supports that sexual trauma, especially when experienced at a young age, results in structural changes in the brain. These structural changes may impact a person by increasing their reactivity in disagreements, an exaggerated startle response, self-blame, discomfort in one’s body, and lack of interest in sex or conversely, hyperarousal. It’s important that you understand that your partner cannot control these reactions, but they can work on managing them.

Moreover, your partner may not have all of the answers of what their triggers are and how their past trauma is impacting them, so your patience is imperative. Keep in mind that progress for your partner is not always linear and sometimes they make take one step forward and two steps backward. Living through a traumatic event shakes someone to their core, and so does going through treatment and reliving it. So, be patient with your partner if they are involved in therapy.

Here are some things to be mindful of when in a relationship with someone who has experienced sexual trauma:

Dos:

1. Take accountability for your role during conflict with your partner.
2. Be a safe person to talk to by allowing your partner the time and space to share what happened with you. For instance, when/if your partner opens up to you, say, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
3. Do have patience with and compassion for your partner.
4. Say, “Thank you for telling me” when your partner sets a boundary around sex and/or emotional intimacy or communicates a need.
5. Ask your partner what they need from you.
6. Always ask for consent for sex or touching. It may be difficult for your partner to speak up so ask them and give them the opportunity to say “no.”
7. Help to identify your partner’s triggers and work to minimize their exposure to them. For example, if loud noises or voices are a trigger, avoid leaving the television on or slamming doors.
8. Be sensitive and empathetic to their emotions. Offer comfort and warmth, especially during flashbacks or times of intense anxiety.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t place undue blame on your partner for problems in the relationship.
2. Do not shift the focus of the conversation to your anger towards their abuser (i.e., before saying that you are so angry you’re going to beat up/kill/verbally aggress their abuser, ask yourself, “How would that actually help my partner right now?” Hint: It probably would be more helpful to listen to your partner and let them express their feelings and emotions).
3. Avoid blaming them for their symptoms or minimizing the severity of their trauma. Here are some things you should NEVER say:
    
   1. “Snap out of it” or “Get over it”
   2. “It’s in the past” or “It was so long ago”
   3. “It’s not that bad”
   4. “You’re crazy”
   4. It’s never helpful to tell your partner how to feel or give them unsolicited advice. If they don’t want to report the incident, do not tell them to. Only 25 out of 1000 rapes end in the rapist going to prison.

   For further guidance on this topic, you can schedule an appointment with me.

A common theme I have noticed while working with individual female clients who have some degree of anxiety, is that they tend to put themselves in the back seat.

What does that mean? Their anxiety becomes the forefront of every aspect in their life.  Most of the time, they do not notice it, and oftentimes it is caused because they are concerned about others and how something they said or did may have affected someone else.

Anxiety is not the best personal feature to carry around with us. I speak, not only as a person practicing in this field or as a graduate student who has studied a ton about anxiety, but also as someone who has anxious tendencies herself. Anxiety is like a lingering shadow. Sometimes it is hidden and we cannot see it, and other times it is visible though we cannot always control when it decides to reveal itself. It often feels like it is always following us and just a step behind. Anxiety has the tendency to create negative thoughts, such as an all-or-nothing way of thinking and in the absolutes of “should” and “must.” These come out in various ways, such as “I should have said this to X…” or “Maybe I should not have said that….”

Where does it say there is a ‘should or shouldn’t’ in most instances? When our anxiety decides to reveal itself, it can cause many distorted thoughts, and we tend to not even think of ourselves. Instead, the energy is placed on those anxieties and in doing so we neglect ourselves. It becomes a concern and our mind battles in thinking of “what I did or said” that may have affected others, or our partners in our romantic relationships.

It is essential to watch for the telltale signs before your anxiety peaks. Did you know that when you know something is coming up, your body tends to get tense and anxious? Watching how your body reacts to when this is happening can provide you with valuable information to let you know that you are getting anxious. Though if you take a moment each day to prioritize yourself, this will inevitably help your personal development as a whole, resulting in a positive effect in your relationship with others and your life in general. Prioritizing yourself also includes being able to express yourself to others without being anxious about how they might perceive it. If you are doing it respectfully and calmly, chances are they would be more open to your suggestions and clarify your concerns. Here are some of the ways you could prioritize yourself:

 

1. Taking some me-time (it doesn’t matter if it’s taking a bath or getting a Big Mac or both).
2. Positive Affirmations (Today is a new day to restart!).
3. Carve out time to do an activity with the people you love and want to spend time with (going to Lincoln Park Zoo or dinner at RPM).
4. Journal (keep track of your thought and feeling patterns).
5. Attend therapy (there are different types of therapy —find the one that works best for you).

 

There is much more involved when it comes to being anxious, but rather this is glimpse towards what anxiety is and how it can affect you. The question is, how will you prioritize yourself starting form today? If you would like to reach out to me and work towards kicking anxiety to the backseat, please feel free to reach me 312.600.8912.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. One in six American women have survived a completed or attempted rape (14.8% completed; 2.8% attempted). 33% of women who have been raped contemplate suicide.

Of 1000 sexual assaults, 230 are reported and 5 of them result in a conviction. Rape Culture and the Patriarchy maintain these statistics. As a therapist specializing in working with young women who have experienced sexual abuse, a good portion of the work my clients and I do is spent challenging internalized messages about their experience from the Patriarchy so their healing process can begin. Here’s some of the internalized messages that we challenge and deconstruct:

There’s no such thing as non-consensual sex; there is fully, 100% consensual sex and there is rape. Manifestation of a gray area perpetuates Rape Culture.

1. It doesn’t matter what someone was wearing; suggesting otherwise is victim-blaming and thus sides with the rapist.
2. Sexual trauma changes one’s brain structuring and suggesting that one can “just get over it” further perpetuates the problem.
3. Sexual assault, especially in childhood, is most likely to be perpetrated by someone we know. Don’t discount someone’s story because they were in a relationship or their abuser was a family member or friend.
4. Just because a survivor has positive memories with their abuser and/or was/still is in love with them, DOES NOT mean that they weren’t raped.
5. Reporting a sexual assault does not “ruin” the abuser’s reputation: it makes their reputation more accurate.
6. A survivor’s choice to disclose is THEIR CHOICE. This means timing, to whom, amount of information, etc.

As women, we are socialized by the Patriarchy to second-guess our own experience. This socialization and internalized messages perpetuate Rape Culture. Rape Culture was established by the Patriarchy as a way to excuse violence against women and keep women oppressed. Many of the internalized messages that my clients have are maintained by several cultural myths about Rape Culture:

1. Victim Masochism (“She wanted it.”)
2. Victim Precipitation (“She asked for it.”)
3. Victim Characteristics (“It wasn’t really rape.”)
4. Victim Fabrication (“She lied.”)
5. Male Justification (“He didn’t mean to.”)
6. Violent Acts Are Not Harmful (“Rape is a trivial event.”)
7. The Acts Are Deviant (“Rape is a deviant act.”)

These cultural beliefs support not only rape but also support sexual harassment, battering, sexual murder, and other forms of violence against women. Rape myths obscure the high prevalence rates of rape and they justify and normalize the occurrences of rape. Rape myths also divert attention for the causes of rape from societal structures (i.e. the Patriarchy) by blaming the individual victim. When the victim is blamed, harmful societal (patriarchal) structures are not challenged nor changed.

Statistics: rainn.org

Source for Cultural Myths about Rape: Koss, M.P., Goodman, L.A., Browne, A., Fitzgerald, L.F., Keita, G.P., & Russo, N.F. (1994). No safe haven: Male violence against women at home, at work, and in the community. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association