With Matt Garman, ALMFT, and Sara Haynes, ALMFT

Let’s Talk About Love is a series of conversations between Matt and Sara, clinicians at Relationship Reality 312. Each discussion covers a different topic, intended to share tips and insights that you’ll find useful as you navigate your love life. Please contact us: matt@relationshipreality312.com and sara@relationshipreality312.com.

First Date Tips

First dates can be stressful. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves when we’re meeting someone new. At times it can feel like it’s a job interview, but for a relationship instead.

Matt: Hi Sara!

Sara: Matt, how’s it going?

Matt: I’m doing well! Boy, I can tell you right now, first dates can be so tough. At least for a lot of folks. How do you feel about first dates?

Sara: I agree! For some people, no matter how many dates they go on, they tend to get that nervous feeling in their gut. It gets easier the more they do it though.

Matt: Very true.

Sara: What are some tips you would give to people who are dating and going on first dates?

Matt: First of all, knowing the place you’re meeting for the date is key. It should be a place that makes you feel comfortable and relaxed, so you can be your best self, and focus on the other person.

Sara: I like that! A good start is an environment where you feel comfortable. Like a go-to first date spot?

Matt: Exactly. If not that, then at least a place that you really want to check out. But ideally everyone is going to feel good about the space, no matter what.

Sara: Comfort is key; some people experience a lot of nerves going into a date, so the place you decide on can really help! I think you should get to know yourself and what is it you are looking for from a first date. A calm, quiet place? A spot that’s a little more energetic, so you can get up and have fun? Plan ahead.

Matt: Yes, for sure. Everyone has different preferences, and a date where you get a chance to know each other and also have an activity, to take the pressure off, is a great balance. A wine bar or coffee shop, a walk (even in Chicago’s crazy weather), followed by a video game bar, a board game spot, or heck — even karaoke!

Sara: I like that first-date combo: a sit-down and a fun activity mixed in! Karaoke in Chinatown, perhaps? That’s an opportunity to find out your date’s taste in music or whether they would make it through the final round of an American Idol audition!

Matt: Obviously that’s you. Okay Sara, I have two follow-up questions: first, what is your go-to karaoke song?

Sara: Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” gets me in the karaoke mood!

Matt: I can picture you singing that Whitney jam! For me it’s gotta be the Ramones, only because my singing mostly resembles shout-talking. But I digress. Second question: what should the mindset be on a first date?

Sara: We put so much pressure on ourselves; I think it’s important to remember this should be fun, and a chance to get to know somebody new.

Matt: Each early date should have one goal: to decide if you want another date. Keep it light, have fun, be real, and try not to overthink it. So how do people keep the conversation flowing, Sara?

Sara: I recommend having a few go-to open-ended questions prepared, and avoid yes-or-no questions. Think about some things you really want to know about the person, and ask questions that allow them to talk about themselves.

Matt: Plus, showing interest in your date, rather than talking about yourself the entire time, is never a bad idea.

Sara: True, be engaged and interested! Any other tips you got for calming your nerves while actually on the date?

Matt: It is really easy, and really normal, to get nerves on those early dates. My first thought is to keep a mindset of low stakes, like I said before: your only goal is to decide if you want another date. Also, keep the drinking to a minimum. It’s easy to overconsume when you’re nervous, but that can get messy. How about a nice sparkling water instead?

Sara: One or two drinks is fine. Meanwhile, being aware of your surroundings can calm first date nerves. What sounds do you hear? Notice the smells in the room. The taste of your food or drink. Focus on what is right in front of you in order to get out of your head.

Matt: Truly, the key to feeling a little anxious is the concrete stuff like the room we’re in, or the time we spend. For instance, having a firm stop time can ease pressure.

Sara: Absolutely! Sometimes I recommend 90 minutes for a first date. It’s not always a must; but generally planning a start and end time can eliminate worry about how long the date needs to be. How would you wrap up a first date?

Matt: I hate to sound like a broken record, but keep it light and low-pressure. Whether you’re feeling an excited connection, the opposite, or something in between, ending that first date should be easy: be polite, split the bill, and go on your way.

Sara: Split the bill, huh? That’s a controversial tip when it comes to first dates! Being polite is a must. Everyone is just out there trying to make a connection, so it’s important to make dating easy and fun for the people we meet. We all have great qualities and we should never forget that when we are putting ourselves out there!

Matt: I couldn’t agree more.

Sara: Until next time, we wish our readers a happy first date! We talk about stuff like this with our clients all the time, so feel free to contact us if you want to schedule a session: matt@relationshipreality312.com and sara@relationshipreality312.com.

When our people-pleasing, romantic hopes get in the way of ending it.

One of my clients met a guy online. When she met him in person, he was at least fifty pounds overweight. She said, “Hi, I’m sorry, but you deceived me with your photos. Have a good evening.” And she left. She told me her time was valuable, and she wasn’t going to spend time with someone who lied to her. The weight wasn’t an issue, but his deception was.

Would you do that?

So many modern women struggle with leaving a bad date for all kinds of reasons. Whatever your opinion is of the recent Aziz Ansari scandal, I do think The Atlantic writer Caitlin Flanagan—a woman from an older generation—has a solid point when she describes the narrative women used to be taught on how to end a bad date:

But in one essential aspect they reminded us that we were strong in a way that so many modern girls are weak. They told us over and over again that if a man tried to push you into anything you didn’t want, even just a kiss, you told him flat out you weren’t doing it. . . . They told you to slap him if you had to; they told you to get out of the car and start wailing if you had to. They told you to do whatever it took to stop him from using your body in any way you didn’t want and under no circumstances to go down without a fight.

Of course, what she’s describing here is a far more distressing situation than misleading a woman in your online profile. But her piece begs the question: Why do so many modern women struggle to leave bad dates? And more importantly, what can they do instead?

Or sometimes, they believe the narrative that if they continue to hang out with this guy and put up with the bad behavior, he’ll change, and they’ll find love.

Sure, I often tell my clients that true attraction can take time to develop. Yet, it’s one thing if he’s nervous and not giving the best impression—but it’s another if he makes tasteless comments, inappropriate sexual advances, can’t stop talking about his ex, shows up drunk, or is clearly racist or sexist. Or simply, if you intuitively know from the get-go he’s just not for you.

It’s OK. Bad dates happen, but it’s imperative that you do not find yourself in a habit of devoting a lot of time to them, even if you’re genuinely concerned about your date’s feelings. Not only does this waste your time (and his), it can escalate dating burnout or, even worse, put you in dangerous situations, especially if you already struggle with saying no.

You don’t have to feel bad if you feel disappointment that your date didn’t meet your expectations. You can still end a bad date in a classy way. Here are nine ways to do so:

01. Make it short, and go in with an exit plan.

You don’t have to invest a lot of time or commitment for the first meeting. This person is a stranger, so you don’t know if they’re emotionally stable. If a guy asks if you’d like to do dinner or a concert, say you’d prefer drinks or coffee—and plan something time-sensitive afterward immediately. You can even prep your date ahead of time by telling him that you can meet for happy hour because then you have dinner plans with friends. Or keep it to coffee, and then say you still have some work to catch up on or a hair appointment.

Speak up for what makes you feel more comfortable so that you’re not feeling bad or guilty when there’s no connection.

02. Have only one drink.

You may really want that second glass of wine, but having a second round can signal to a guy that you’re enjoying his company. If you 100 percent know you don’t want to see him again, have only one. If you’re a sensitive person, you may have to challenge your beliefs that if you only have one drink, the date will be too short. Nurse your drink or tell him that you’re not a big drinker or still have work or something to do when you get home and don’t want to be tipsy—but really, a simple “no, thank you” should be enough.

03. Pay for your own drink.

This can also send the message that you’re not interested—a sign that you clearly want things to be separate moving forward. Unless the guy was a total jerk, and you need to leave immediately, try to pay for your half to make it clear that no one “owes” anyone anything.

04. Be honest.

Instead of using an excuse, be honest and say it was nice meeting him, but you’re ready to call it a night. Depending on the situation, you may want to tell him why. If he seems emotionally stable but can’t stop talking about his ex, for instance, you can let him know that he wasted your time because it’s clear he’s not over her yet. But use your best judgment as to whether you want to engage in constructive criticism—remember, you’re not his counselor.

05. Excuse yourself to the restroom.

If you’re worried about being rude, chances are you’re not going to be checking your phone on the date. Excuse yourself to the restroom, and when you come back, say that you just got a call from your friend that she got dumped and you need to be with her. I’m not a fan of deception, so try to only use this when a guy makes you uncomfortable.

06. Use an app.

Some bad dates can be downright scary. Apps such as uSafeUS and Circle of 6 not only help you contact your friends in instances where you feel unsafe, but they also put you in touch with resources to help you.

07. Involve others.

If for whatever reason you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, tell the bartender or a waitstaff member. They can walk by the table or your area of the bar more frequently to make sure you’re OK.

08. Don’t comment on future plans.

Sometimes it’s automatic to say “See you again” or “See you later” at the end of a goodbye. If you have no plans to see him again, say something like, “It was nice meeting you. Have a good night.” If he texts to ask you out on another date, be polite and say, “I had a nice time, but I don’t think we’re a match. Good luck.”

09. Try to see the silver lining.

Sure, the date did not end well. Maybe you don’t have a romantic connection, but could this person grow into a friendly acquaintance or friend? Be curious—you never know, he may be an interesting person even if you’re not attracted to him. If, on the other hand, you really would never want to see this person again, pat yourself on the back, and take pride in the fact that you were able to walk away—saving yourself time and, just as importantly, your emotions.

 

*As seen on Verily

You started dating someone new. It’s only been a few weeks, and you may or may not be exclusive. If you’re anxious about what to do or worried that you’ll ruin things, here are 5 tips to handle the newness of a date or relationship during the holidays.

1. Relax. Don’t put pressure on a new relationship. “What are we?” doesn’t have to be defined by date 4. This also means don’t read into things or take things personally. Assume face value of what your significant other says and does. There are a lot of opportunities that can potentially lead to hurt feelings. People are busy during the holidays so if your date isn’t as responsive or as available, there’s no need to freak out.

2. Give an appropriate gift. Since you haven’t known each other long, you can discuss an amount limit for gifts. Get a small but thoughtful gift–something that shows you’ve been paying attention on your dates. They say their favorite food is Nutella so you get them a couple of Costco-sized jars…. Or they love wine so you get an inexpensive bottle. Your gift should convey that you’re interested in them, not that you’re head over heels for them.

3. Keep expectations about social events in check. Whether it’s a house party or the office party, go if you’re invited, but don’t get hurt if you’re not. Maybe a plus one isn’t allowed for the company party, they want to focus on networking or don’t want to get asked by coworkers how your relationship is going given it’s so new. Also, tell your date if you need to do any actual networking during your company party and might need to leave him or her alone for a few minutes. Or if initiating conversations is difficult for you, ask for some introductions to people he knows well so that you have people to talk to.

4. Hold off on meeting the family. The holidays might not be the best time to introduce a new love interest to the entire family. Instead, meet a couple of weeks before the holidays and have dinner or drinks with one or two family members. You can also do something special as a couple, like a fancy holiday dinner for just the two of you.

5. Do what works for the both of you. Don’t compare yourself to friends or get hung up on what you think you “should” be doing. There’s no need to rush. It’s easy to get caught up in the romance of the holidays, but it could set you for some unrealistic expectations.

I won’t beat around the bush. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen it time and time again. Some men keep a woman in a relationship for years, hinting at marriage as a “someday” thing when really they have no intention of following through.

This is why it’s important that you know where you stand, so you don’t waste your time. Even if it doesn’t go the way you expect, you can’t beat yourself up by saying “I should have waited” or “Now I’ve ruined everything.” If a guy makes you feel crazy, stupid, or needy for bringing up the marriage talk, or if he freaks out, then he probably would have kept stringing you along.

Your needs and goals are valid. So if you’ve been with your guy for a while, and you’re wondering if the relationship has potential for the long term, here are five tips to keep in mind when you want to discover how he feels.

01. Talk to him in a relaxed setting.

If your guy gets uncomfortable with heavy intimacy talk, start a conversation while engaging in another activity together where you can still talk to each other. While making dinner at home, bring up your life goals over appetizers and talk about “us” while prepping the entrée. It might feel more natural to him, and he’ll be more open to tell you what’s on his mind and in his heart if the conversation doesn’t feel like an interrogation.

02. Keep it short, but stay focused.

Deciding your future isn’t going to happen in just one conversation. You’ll need to have multiple conversations where you talk about specific topics, such as what you both think marriage looks like and means to you; how you should handle finances; what your expectations are around sex, children, and housework, etc. Tell him you want to open the dialogue for future talks—that you don’t have to figure things out right away. At the same time, be direct. Ultimately, let him know that you want to make sure he’s a willing participant in actively deciding if you have a future together.

03. Make sure he knows you love him.

When it comes to marriage, many men are terrified that they’ll just be filling a role. If a woman comes across as too future-oriented, he may fear that she’s not all that interested in him for who he is—rather she just wants to check the marriage box, and any man will do. So if you’re curious about where he sees your future, make sure he knows it’s not just about getting your “MRS” but about finding someone who can be a life partner. Tell him why you respect him, what you’ve learned from him, and that you’re excited about continuing to get to know him. This will put him at ease and encourage him to open up.

04. Don’t give him an ultimatum.

How you bring it up makes a difference in it being taken as an ultimatum versus simply expressing your needs and desires. Don’t say, “You need to marry me, otherwise I’m going to find someone else.” This is an ultimatum that will most likely backfire. No guy wants to feel like he’s backed into a corner. You can let him know getting married is a goal of yours, but if he doesn’t see you in his future, you’d rather know so that you can both find people who can give you what you want.

05. Support him in taking action over time.

People have fears of marriage for a number of reasons—their parents had a nasty divorce, they don’t see many happily married couples, or they’re not 100 percent confident that they are picking the right person. It’s OK to give him a timeline of when you would like him to know whether he’s ready to take the next step. However, depending on how long you’ve been together, just “more time” won’t necessarily give your guy the answer. He needs to take some kind of action during this time, such as reading articles or books, talking to happily married friends, or seeing a relationship therapist. I’ve worked with both individuals and couples in helping them decide whether they should get engaged—as well as the skills and knowledge needed for a marriage to work. I’ve noticed that for many guys, discovering this kind of knowledge is power and can help a guy calm his fears and give him clarity.

*As originally published on verilymag.com

In my previous blog, I provided 21 subtle signs of an emotionally unavailable man. I was overwhelmed with the responses from men, saying that many, if not all, of the signs resonated with them. They tell me they don’t want to be this way because they feel stuck in dating or in their relationship. They say that they can see the lonely and gloomy future, being alone and lonely, because they go through date after date, and one relationship after another.

Wanting to change is a necessary component to allow for closeness and ultimately having a great relationship. Here are 5 tips to making yourself more available to your partner:

1. Identify your distancing strategies. These are strategies that create emotional or physical distance between you and your partner and suppress intimacy. You do them often, so they may feel so natural to you that you’re not even aware that they create distance and uncertainty in your relationship. The first step in changing behaviors is to recognize them. Some examples (check out my previous blog for more): You may focus on their imperfections, you keep future plans fuzzy, and you ignore or diminish your partner’s positive qualities or behaviors. Remind yourself that despite your discomfort with intimacy, you need it for a happy relationship.
2. Speak up for your need for space. You will always have a need for space, particularly when things get too intimate with your partner. Do this as early as possible when you meet someone so that they don’t take things personally. Say it has nothing to do with them, but it’s something that you’ve needed in every relationship and will continue to need in your new one. Give examples: “If we spend a whole day together, I might not text you as much the next day or two” or “I don’t like to text daily when I first start dating someone.”
3. Distract yourself. It’s easier for you to let your guard down to your partner if there’s a distraction. Engage in activities such as making dinner together or going for a walk. When you’re not hyper-focused on an intimate moment, but rather on the activity, it can help you access your loving feelings instead of repressing them.
4. Think about secure people and how they behave in their relationships. Secure people are warm and loving, comfortable with closeness, communicate issues well, and work toward common ground during conflict. Pick 2-3 people and write down how they act and react in various situations, how they respond to and interact with their partner, and their overarching beliefs about relationships. Strive to engage in the ways that they do. Don’t overwhelm yourself and try everything at once; pick one behavior to try every week or so.
5. Tell people what they mean to you. It might be easier to start with a non-romantic partner. It doesn’t have to be an in-depth conversation. At the end of a phone call with a friend, you can say, “Hey, I really appreciate you listening to me today. You’re a good listener and I always feel like you understand where I’m coming from. It means a lot.” I give this task to my clients and their reaction is always surprise–surprise at how much the kind words meant to the people they spoke with, and how often it was reciprocated. Little by little, you will see the positive results of this practice, and may help you be more emotionally accessible to your romantic partner.
6. Challenge your negative interpretations of your partner’s behavior. You have a tendency of ignoring positive behaviors or diminishing their value. Continually focusing on the negative will cause your relationship to be overwhelmed with negativity, and it won’t be fun for either of you to be in it. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are positive or at least neutral.
7. Challenge your catastrophizing beliefs. Your new girlfriend invites you on a romantic weekend getaway, and your brain can only think that this means you’re one step closer to marriage and a life in the suburbs. Or she invites you to hang out with her nieces and nephews, and you assume you’re practicing for parenthood. Pump the breaks. It only means she wants to spend quality time with you for a couple of days, and it definitely doesn’t mean she sees you in her future forever. Bring yourself to focus on the moment at hand, and try to avoid applying meaning that doesn’t exist.

It is possible to become more emotionally available. It takes effort, but little changes done consistently can give you the kind of relationship that deep down, you’ve always wanted.