When I ask people what they think the #1 issue is that brings couples to therapy, I usually hear:

Money
Lack of sex
Cheating

Nope to all 3. At least not in my office. In fact, nearly every single couple blames their issues on the exact same thing: “communication problems.” The funny thing is, when I talk with them, they are quite articulate and I understand them just fine. So, what’s really going on?

In my 19 years as a relationship therapist, I’ve noticed that when a couple cites “communication problems,” they’re actually referring to one of three areas that can cause tension in a relationship. These three things are: emotional management, recurring differences, and connection. The good news is that once you identify which area you’re struggling with, you can use the tips below to elevate your relationship.

1. Emotional management. Every couple has conflict. However, if your fights frequently escalate and/or one or both of you shuts down, your relationship has an emotional management problem. You’ve probably heard of fight-or-flight and it’s easy to get into this state by allowing your emotions to get out of control. When you’re in fight-or-flight, conversation is useless because your emotions have hijacked your brain. You can’t listen well, you lose your sense of humor, you can’t see your partner’s point of view or empathize. Effective problem solving is impossible in this state. And when do couples try to talk and resolve problems? When they’re in fight-or-flight—the real issue that is affecting communication.

Emotional management matters, particularly because these kinds of behaviors predict divorce. Often, I see my couples engage in these toxic behaviors when they’re in fight-or-flight mode. You say hurtful things and may even get to the point where an “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it anymore. The pain can be so great that one or both partners slowly withdraws, leading to disconnection.

What to do: Learn to calm yourself down. Count to 10 slowly, take deep breaths, and tell your partner you need a timeout. One of the best timeouts you can take is with a distraction—listen to music, scroll social media, or go work out. The last thing you want to do is replay the fight and arm yourself with more battle points to make when you resume your conversation.

Learn to de-escalate. Make each other laugh or use repair attempts. And knowing when to stay quiet can be one of the best de-escalation tools. It’s not just about picking your battles, but about staying in the present with your partner versus needing to defend yourself or point out their faults at that moment. Your time to share your point of view will come.

2. Recurring differences. If you find yourself fighting over the same issues again and again—but you never make any headway—you’re probably fighting over recurring differences. Common examples include money, sex, time together versus apart, neatness and organization, and parenting. Couples get stuck when they think these issues have one solution (and that each partner thinks they are the one that is right) and that the issue needs to be resolved. But here’s the thing: resolving these differences is probably not going to happen. That’s what makes it a recurring difference. Rather, they need to be managed because they’re not going to go away.

The good news? All couples have recurring issues. No couple is the perfect fit, and your issues are rooted in inevitable differences: how you were raised, your personality, values, likes and dislikes. Fighting your partner on these issues can accidentally convey to them that you don’t accept or respect them for who they are and invalidate what is important to them. After all, if you’re trying to change them, of course they’re going to dig in their heels even more. And then round and round you go.

What to do: Practice holding two different—sometimes even opposing—viewpoints and to consider both of them as valid and right. This is very difficult for some people, in particular for you all-or-nothing thinkers reading this. The key here is that you don’t have to agree! People get stuck because they think acknowledging a different or opposing stance means they have to agree to it, but you don’t. You just have to understand. You also need to compromise. I wrote a blog on how you can do that here.

3. Connection. Finally, if you’re fighting over petty little things or can’t even remember what your fights were even about, you’re probably fighting over connection.

Each partner’s job in a relationship is to provide safety and security—not just physically, but emotionally too. When your safety becomes threatened or ruptured, fights ensue. Instead of telling your partner that you feel unloved, undesired, or unwanted, it’s easier to pick a fight. And it could be over anything. Something as simple as one partner getting ahead in a Netflix show that both of you were watching together. Is it about the show? Is it really about being upset that one person knows what happened before the other? Of course not. It’s about one partner feeling excluded from something that they considered to be a special ritual.

To an extent, picking a fight makes sense: at least it gets your partner’s attention, even if it’s not the kind you want. But these “protest fights” that test your partner’s love and attention fail. They wear on a relationship and create unnecessary negativity, and eventually can cause withdrawal and disconnection.

What to do: One place to start is by identifying your top three needs. Be specific. What does it look like to have each need be met by your partner? The more examples you can describe, the better as this will give them more ways to win with you. You want to create the environment in your relationship that make you both feel special, like a priority, and like you are choosing each other over and over. In order for your relationship to thrive, you both need to feel like you have each other’s backs, and that you can rely and depend on each other. Most importantly, when you have this kind of security, you can be even more open and vulnerable with each other which will only strengthen your relationship.

Final Thoughts
So if you’re struggling with “communication problems,” reflect on whether it’s really an issue around emotional management, navigating long-standing differences, or feeling disconnected. Because once you can name it, you can start making real changes to improve your relationship and make it healthy and satisfying.

If you’re feeling lost in the dating world or need support in rediscovering yourself, I’m here to help. Contact us today.

Dating in high school and college often feels like a matter of convenience proximity, shared classes, and mutual friends make it easy to connect with someone. But stepping into the broader dating world beyond familiar circles can feel like the Wild West. Without the built-in structure of school or mutual acquaintances, navigating relationships becomes a whole new experience, filled with challenges and opportunities for personal growth.

Recognizing Patterns and Expanding Perspectives
It’s natural to gravitate toward a certain “type” in dating, but when relationships repeatedly don’t work out, it’s important to consider a bigger picture. Sometimes, we dismiss red flags as beige ones subtle but significant warning signs we overlook in the pursuit of connection. Understanding our patterns, identifying what we need in a healthy relationship, and reflecting on past experiences can help us make more intentional choices moving forward.

The Importance of Being Single
Dating can be emotionally demanding. Being in a relationship, especially for an extended period, creates an interconnecting of identities, routines, and expectations. After a breakup, taking time to rediscover yourself, rebuild your sense of self-worth, and prioritize personal happiness is crucial. Learning to enjoy your own company and fostering self-love sets the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

Finding Support in Your Journey 
At our practice, we understand that dating and relationships come with unique emotional challenges. Whether you’re healing from past relationships, struggling with dating fatigue, or looking to break unhealthy patterns, we provide the tools and guidance to help you navigate these experiences with confidence. Investing in yourself is the first step to building the kind of relationship you truly deserve.

If you’re feeling lost in the dating world or need support in rediscovering yourself, I’m here to help. Contact us today.

Introduction
Body image is something people commonly struggle with at some point in their lives.

It’s a topic that can feel sensitive, even taboo, but it’s one that we need to talk about especially when it comes to how it affects our sex lives.

From a young age, we begin to form an image of what our bodies should look like. These ideas don’t just appear out of nowhere; they’re shaped by family, friends, media, and the cultures we grow up in. We are told sometimes subtly, sometimes explicitly that if our bodies don’t fit a certain mold, we won’t be desired, loved, or happy.

The Weight of Cultural Messaging
As a queer Latina therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how these messages impact people’s self-esteem and relationships.

In the Latinx community, it’s common to hear labels like “gorda or flaca“ thrown around casually, often by family members who think they’re being affectionate or helpful.

Growing up in the U.S., these messages only intensified you’re not skinny enough, you’re too fat, you should cover up, you should lose weight.

These comments become ingrained, shaping the way we see ourselves and, ultimately, how we show up in intimate spaces.

How Body Image Shapes Sexual Confidence
When we internalize negative beliefs about our bodies, it can show up in our sex lives in ways we might not even realize:

• Feeling self-conscious about being naked or seen by a partner.
• Avoiding certain positions or activities due to fear of judgment.
• Struggling with arousal or orgasm because of anxiety about appearance.
• Associating desirability with unrealistic body standards rather than connection and pleasure.

Reclaiming Our Bodies, Reclaiming Pleasure
So, how do we unlearn these harmful beliefs and start embracing our bodies as they are?

• Challenge the Narrative – Notice where these ideas about your body came from and question them. Whose standards are you holding yourself to?
• Practice Self-Compassion – Speak to yourself with kindness. Your body is worthy of love, pleasure, and acceptance.
• Find What Feels Good – Focus on what makes you feel sexy and connected rather than what you think you “should” look like.
• Communicate With Your Partner – Open conversations about insecurities can foster deeper intimacy and understanding.

Your body is not the problem society’s unrealistic standards are.

Pleasure, intimacy, and confidence aren’t reserved for a specific body type.

The more we challenge these harmful narratives, the more we create space for authentic, fulfilling sexual experiences.

What has helped you embrace your body and sexuality? If you need help, contact me today.

The New Year is upon us and with it comes Dating Sunday, the busiest time of the year on the dating apps. But let’s be real: if you’re like many of my clients, friends, and me, you’re so over the apps. Whether you’ve deleted them for good or have paused on the swipe culture, you’re not alone.

So if you’re serious about finding a meaningful connection, here are 15 tips to improve your chances of meeting someone in IRL in 2025:

1. Don’t settle. Say goodbye to behaviors like situationships, breadcrumbing, and orbiting. You want to avoid relationships that don’t align with your long-term goals. They’re a time waster and can prevent you from connecting with someone else! Don’t settle for anything less than someone who makes it known that they are dating you and proves it with their actions.

2. Clarify what you want. It’s easy to get caught up in the “I’ll know it when I feel it” mindset. But feelings aren’t always the best indicator of what’s best for you. Take the time to get clear about what you’re looking for in a partner so you can prevent wasting your (and your date’s) time.

3. Give a “maybe” a chance. You may not be 100% attracted to someone right away, but as long as they’re not a “hell no,” give them a chance. Attraction can grow when you focus on your date’s positive qualities and personality. And ladies, for the love of your future relationship happiness, ditch the 6-foot height requirement.

4. “You had me at hello” starts with body language. The dating apps have made rejection more prevalent than ever. If you’re hoping to make a connection with a cutie across the bar, make sure your body language says, “Come say hello.”

5. Don’t be afraid to make the first move. Even if your body language is open, some people will still need very clear signs that you’re interested, otherwise they won’t make a move. So shoot your shot, flirt, and let your interest be clearly known.

6. Strengthen your social skills. Common frustrations I hear from my single clients include: dates that feel like interviews, dates who don’t ask any questions, and dates who overshare personal information too soon. Being a great conversationalist and an engaging date is a skill that can be developed. Practice active listening, ask open-ended questions, be prepared with stories, and share appropriately to increase your success in getting another date.

7. Clean up your calendar. You need time to date. Period. Keeping busy can keep you single. It’s easy to let things fizzle when you don’t see a date for two weeks because your calendar is jam-packed. Schedule one less happy hour with a friend, shorten your workout, and decline some invitations.

8. Check your expectations. If you expect a Hollywood love story where the sparks last forever, or if you have a long list of boxes you expect your date to check, you will be disappointed. Sparks fade and there’s no perfect person out there. Staying flexible and open-minded can help you recognize the value in someone who may not be your ‘ideal” but could still be a great match.

9. Stay present. If you’re “too in your head” on your dates, you’re overanalyzing and being worried about the next thing that you’re going to say. These can lead to missed opportunities for genuine connection. Practice focusing on the present moment and most importantly, have fun!

10. Join a unique club or group. Sure, everyone’s into pickleball these days (except maybe me!). But look beyond typical hobbies and try something a bit offbeat. I recently found out about a secret pizza club in Chicago, where pizza lovers try pizzerias in different neighborhoods. Not only have I been having delicious pizzas and exploring more of my city, I’ve met a lot of fun people.

11. Do things solo. Sometimes the best way to meet people is to do things on your own. Go to a concert, grab a drink at a bar, or take a class. Going solo not only can provide you with opportunities to meet people, but it can give you a boost of confidence. It may initially feel scary to just show up by yourself, but the more times you do things solo, the more you can build your confidence. And let’s be honest, confidence is sexy.

12. Identify and work on your blocks. If you are scared of rejection, carry the weight of a past divorce, or self-sabotage when things start to go well, it might be good to take a break from dating. Work on removing those blocks and unhealthy patterns so that you’re emotionally available when you meet someone.

13. Work on your attachment style. Your attachment style has a significant impact on who you choose as a partner. If you have a non-secure attachment style, it can lead to unhealthy behaviors and choices in dating. Invest time in understanding and shifting toward a more secure attachment style it can make a difference when it comes to long-term compatibility and relationship satisfaction.

14. Don’t give up. As cliché as this sounds, finding a great match takes time and effort. It’s easy to get discouraged and take long breaks from dating. But since the love of your life won’t show up on your doorstep, it’s important to keep putting yourself out there.

15. Come to our Chicago Singles’ Party. I co-founded On Love X, LLC, with Nick Thompson, where we host experiences for singles looking to meet people in real life. Attending an event specifically for singles takes away some initial barriers you know everyone there is single, looking for love, and open to meeting people. Take this as a sign and sign up today. Sign up

Cheers to finding a healthy love in 2025!

Anita

When you open a book and start reading the first chapter, do you already know every detail of the book and how it’s going to end? Or when you start watching a Netflix series, do you already know how the entire plot is going to play out after just one episode?

Probably not, because you can’t predict every detail and how things will go nor how the story will end.

Yet, when it comes to love, many of us do just that. Whether it’s after one date or a few weeks, I often hear things like:

I just know this won’t work.
If it’s not perfect, I don’t want to put in the time.
If I don’t know if I can get there with my feelings, I just end it.
I can’t put my finger on it, I just don’t see a future, so I’ll just end it now.
I cut things off quickly when I’m unsure about someone.
At the first sign of a red flag, I end it.
I don’t want to lead someone on, so it’s better to break it off early.
If they like me too much and it doesn’t work out, I’d rather rip off the band aid and break up with them first.

But how do you know it won’t work? How can you be certain that someone isn’t right for you after just a few dates or spending time with them for a few weeks? How do you know your feelings for someone won’t develop? How do you know a relationship wouldn’t work when you’re only on the second page of your love story?

And I’m not talking if you’re absolutely 100% not attracted to your date. Or if there’s a clear deal breaker like you want children and your date doesn’t, or you have fundamental differences in faith. I’m talking about those times when there’s no tangible reason to end things, yet you do it anyway.

When I ask my clients to give me reasons they don’t want to continue seeing someone, they can’t always tell me why. It’s usually a vague sense that “this won’t work.” But without concrete evidence, are you really giving love a fair chance? You don’t want to make judgments and assumptions about why things won’t work, because you risk passing over a good match. I’ll never forget a session I had with a client who went on a first date with a guy she found attractive. But then she drops, “We wouldn’t have passionate sex.” I asked her why. She said she could just tell. There was no evidence they hadn’t even had sex yet!

These kinds of stories, where someone dismisses a potential partner without any real evidence that a relationship wouldn’t work, are disheartening. So why don’t we give people a chance? Some people need time to get comfortable on dates. Others need time to build trust before they can be vulnerable, which is essential for a connection. Or sometimes, a first date isn’t always where people shine. My clients have told me things such as:

I’m not being myself on dates because I’m worried about getting hurt. I’m too guarded.
I don’t come across that great on first dates, but I’m awesome when you get to know me.
I have a hard time selling myself.
I’m not freely vulnerable. But once I get comfortable, you don’t have to pull it out of me.

Many singles sabotage their love stories by ending things too soon. Here are five common reasons why this happens:

1. Non-secure attachment style. A non-secure attachment style puts you at a higher chance to dismiss someone more quickly. You look for the intense chemistry from date one. You risk mistaking anxiety for butterflies or expect the Hollywood/fairy tale type of chemistry from the start. You expect things to be perfect. And when you don’t feel the immediate chemistry or things don’t go perfectly, you bounce.

2. Anxiety. Overthinking can cause you to get in your own way. Your thoughts can go a thousand miles a minute with the things that could go wrong. You worry and make assumptions without any evidence. You make snap judgments without checking things out with your date or getting more context. You ruminate over things going wrong or “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

3. Insecurity. You may feel inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable. You may put a date on a pedestal while downplaying the things that you offer in a relationship. You start a mental snowball of thinking that you’re not good enough and that your date will want someone better, and so you end things before it can develop further. On the flipside, if you are insecure, you can also be dismissive because you think there’s something wrong with the date who’s into you. I hear things from my clients like: What’s wrong with them that they’re so into me? Why are they interested in me? I look down on those who like me more than I like them.

4. Fear. You’ve been hurt before and are afraid that you will be hurt again. You’re afraid to let people in. You’re divorced and fear you’ll get divorced again, or your parents divorced and you fear marriage because you, too, could get divorced. You are afraid of rejection and expect it with every date. You were blindsided by a previous date or partner and are scared it’s going to happen again. You fear ending up with the wrong person and so you can keep hunting for the perfect one. Whatever your fears, it’s easier to end things with a date before things even have a chance to develop into a relationship—because that’s when the stakes are high and require vulnerability.

5. Time pressure. If you’re feeling pressure that you don’t want to waste your time or that time is ticking, you risk rushing the dating process. You won’t take the necessary time to truly assess whether someone is a good fit. Instead, you’ll make snap decisions—and potentially waste even more time with the number of dates you end up having to go on.

But things are not hopeless. Being aware of how quickly you dismiss someone is the first step towards making changes. Here are seven things you can do:

1. Sit with the uncertainty. The first few weeks of dating can be filled with uncertainty, anxiety, worry, and doubt. You can train yourself to tolerate uncertainty rather than ending things to avoid discomfort.

2. Build resiliency to rejection. Rejection doesn’t have to be something to fear. Yes, it hurts, but you’ve survived it before. Remind yourself that even if a relationship doesn’t work out, you’ve been able to move on.

3. Don’t add unnecessary pressure. Let things progress naturally. Don’t rush the timeline for when you need to decide if someone is a long-term match. Take things one date at a time and enjoy the dating process.

4. Catch your assumptions. Notice how many assumptions you make about a date and why things won’t work out. If you don’t have enough context or any evidence, keep dating them until you get the information you need to decide whether to end things or not.

5. Have conversations. If you have a concern or are uncertain about something, talk it out. Don’t cut things off without first having a conversation to allow your date the opportunity to address your concerns. You want tangible evidence that you can’t make it work, but you may find that your concerns were unnecessary worries or that you were able to work out a compromise.

6. Watch your deactivating strategies. Deactivating strategies are behaviors that people engage in to create emotional and physical distance with a romantic date or partner. Nitpicking, focusing on the negatives, being judgmental, and having rigid or perfectionist thinking are all ways to create distance and to give yourself reasons to stop dating someone.

7. Work on yourself. Whether you need to work on valuing yourself, believing you are lovable, figuring out what you really want in a relationship, or increasing your comfort to intimacy, working on yourself is a key way to prevent dismissing a good match too quickly. You’ll feel more confident in yourself and more in control of your feelings and thoughts, and that can help make better decisions about a long-term match.Remember, you’re the co-author of your love story. Choose your co-author wisely, but give the story the time it deserves to develop. It might give you what you want—a happily ever after ending.

If you’re feeling lost in the dating world or need support in rediscovering yourself, I’m here to help. Contact us today.

Confession time: I absolutely love football, and I’m not the least bit ashamed to admit that my life pretty much revolves around the NFL season. While many will tune in to the Super Bowl for the commercials, I love watching the game.

So of course with the Super Bowl only a few days away, I thought why not write a blog about how to have a Super Bowl-worthy relationship? Just like what it takes to get to the Super Bowl, having a healthy relationship requires teamwork, strategy, and a winning mindset. So, in the spirit of the upcoming event, here are nine essential plays that can help you create a championship-worthy relationship:

1. Have consistent communication huddles. In football, play calling lets every player know what’s expected of them. You want to clearly communicate in a relationship, too. Make time for regular “huddles” with your partner to check-in about your day, expectations around logistics, and managing stressors. Also make time to talk about your relationship. For example, you can talk about what went well over the past week, how you can both continue to be supportive, clarifying any recent miscommunication, and how you can work on continually being good partners.

2. Tackle challenges together. Every team faces challenges, and the same goes for relationships. Instead of withdrawing, playing the blame game, or avoiding conflict, work together to tackle issues as they arise. It’s better to keep small problems small instead of letting them get out of hand. It’s common to feel even closer with your partner after overcoming challenges together.

3. Support each other through fumbles. Just like in a football game, where even the best players occasionally drop the ball, you and your partner will make mistakes (you may drop the ball on a task, forget a commitment, take your stress out on your partner, etc.). Because fumbles are inevitable, how you handle them are important. Acknowledge the fumble, address its impact, and then focus on the repair and recovery—how you can grow and learn from the experience to strengthen your relationship.

4. Work as a team. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Patrick Mahomes isn’t Patrick Mahomes without his teammates and vice versa. You can work better together than trying to do it alone. Recognize that needing each other can make you stronger. Both of you can play to your strengths and no matter what, feel like you have each other’s backs.

5. Create a culture of appreciation. When players are interviewed throughout the football season, they sing the praises of their teammates. Whether the games were won or lost, players acknowledged and appreciated the efforts of each teammate. Develop a mindset where you scan for the positives, express gratitude and affection, and celebrate your victories. Be each other’s cheerleaders (outfits optional).

6. Game plan for quality time. Just like football players need to spend time together on and off the field to build understanding and trust, couples also benefit from quality time. In football, teammates develop an understanding of each other’s strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies through practice sessions, team meetings, and socializing outside of the game. Similarly, couples strengthen their bond and increase trust and satisfaction when they can connect through quality time. Whether it’s a weekly date night, playing a board game, or trying new experiences like travel or hobbies, prioritize time to continually get to know each other. Be conscious of the calendar and game plan on a consistent basis.

7. Manage your emotions. Just as players on the field must maintain their cool to avoid costly penalties—and potentially even the game—managing your emotions is also crucial in a relationship. Managing your emotions doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings—it means being mindful of how you react to them and act on them. Practicing emotional management will positively impact the health—and success—of your relationship.

8. Embrace innovation. In football, teams constantly create new strategies to try to win the game, and the same principle applies to relationships. If you find yourselves stuck in unproductive patterns or see that some things just aren’t working well, explore new approaches. Just as coaches and players experiment with different plays, keep an open dialogue with your partner and be willing to experiment together. And sometimes you may just need to call an audible. Try a variety of strategies to get winning results.

9. Get a good therapist. Despite having talent and skill, these pro football players still have coaches to guide them and to help them hone their skills to make them better on the field. A proactive and research-based therapist can provide you with information, skills, and tools to enhance your relationship.

So as the Super Bowl approaches and the world tunes in, remember that the real championship game is the one you play every day with your partner. And just like in football, a successful relationship requires dedication, teamwork, and a commitment to continual improvement. By incorporating these nine strategies into your playbook, you’ll have a relationship that’s truly Super Bowl-worthy. Cheers to your own touchdown celebrations!

Never before have my clients experienced dating fatigue like they did in 2022. Despite reports that more singles are serious about finding love, the journey to a healthy relationship isn’t always easy. While there was hope that post-lockdown, after the height of the Covid pandemic, there would be a surge in intentional and mindful dating in which people opened their minds to the possibility of finding love with those who weren’t typically their type, that mentality was short-lived. By the time early 2022 rolled, people were back to their usual dating habits — the ones that didn’t particularly work in their favor before 2020, and aren’t likely to work now that the pandemic has simmered in much of the world. One must change their behavior, whether it’s in dating or in some other area in their life, to see progress and get better results.

Dating fatigue, especially for those who are bent on finding a long-lasting relationship and then, ideally love, is tragically part of the process. However, if you put your mind to it, have a clear understanding of not just what you’re looking for in a romantic partner, but who you are and what you can bring to a relationship, as opposed to mindlessly swiping, then you can avoid repeating the dating fatigue that plagued you — and plagued everyone, as a matter of fact — once 2023 hits.

Not sure how to leave those bad dating habits in 2022 where they belong? Here’s a start:

1. Lazy opening lines. “Hey.” “Hi.” “How was your weekend?” When it comes to online dating, you want to stand out and show that you actually read their profile and it piqued your interest. Try these openers instead.

2. Swiping only for an ego boost. You swipe to see how many matches you can get, but you have no intention of meeting up IRL or, in some cases, even starting a chat. Don’t be one of those people who wastes the time of others. You can find more creative ways to increase your confidence that don’t involve playing with other people’s emotions.

3. Not getting to IRL within a reasonable timeframe. If you just want a pen pal, make better use of your time here. Otherwise, meet your match in person so you can more easily see if there’s potential and you’re not wasting someone else’s time or your time either.

4. Not initiating conversation with your match. You match, but you don’t do anything about it. If you’re overwhelmed with the number of matches, put your profile on pause after three to four matches, and focus on developing those connections.

5. Giving one-word answers and/or not asking questions of your match. A huge turn-off is lack of engagement and curiosity. If you struggle with what to ask, here are some suggestions.

6. Refusing to try a video date. Who didn’t find themselves on a video call to catch up with friends, virtually work with colleagues, or participate in class during the pandemic? It’s the new norm, so get used to it. Also, it’ll save you time, money, and energy.

7. Being dismissive. Maybe it’s because they don’t meet a superficial height requirement, or you don’t like what they do for work. If you find yourself rejecting someone without even knowing enough about them to make a well-informed opinion, try getting to know them a little before simply dismissing them.

8. Being nitpicky. You tear apart small things that, in the grand scheme, don’t really matter. Figure out why you do it — are you scared of closeness and nitpick to create emotional distance? Do you have anxiety and need to control everything your partner does? Whatever it is, you won’t be satisfied with anyone if you let little things always bother you.

9. Love bombing. One of the most harmful dating trends to come out of the last several years is love bombing. If you have a pattern of love bombing your dates, seek help to stop this destruction.

10. Ghosting. Healthy relationships require the willingness for each partner to manage uncomfortable situations and emotions. If you’d rather avoid these things and you’re dating someone, the easiest route is to ghost — but while it’s easy, it doesn’t make it right no matter how little time you may have invested (exceptions include concerns for safety). Instead of ghosting, realize these awkward scenarios are a great opportunity to start practicing getting more comfortable with discomfort by ending each storyline before you move on to the next. Everyone, even if it’s only been a few dates, deserves closure.

11. Immediately expecting the Spark. If “The Spark” were enough to keep relationships together, there’d be no divorce. Chemistry is a poor indicator of a long-term fit. The Spark will fade no matter who you’re with, so why put so much emphasis on a fleeting feeling?

12. Chasing unavailable people. Whether they’re physically unavailable because they’re in a relationship with someone else or emotionally unavailable because they’re not in a place to date, chasing these types of people is painful. Don’t waste your time.

13. Having sex too quickly. If having sex too soon clouds your judgment and makes you feel attached too quickly, try to hold off. You may end up wanting to be with someone who’s not a good fit because of the sexual attachment that comes from physical affection, closeness, and that damn love hormone, oxytocin, hard at work.

14. Creating a fantasy. If you start by putting your date on a pedestal and fantasizing about life with them, you risk ignoring red flags.

15. Ignoring deal breaker issues. You want marriage but your date says it’s just a piece of paper. You don’t like to drink a lot, but your date gets blackout drunk. People erroneously think they’ll “figure it out later.” The way to know if a deal breaker issue is a deal breaker is to have conversations with your date and see if you both can effectively compromise.

16. Blaming your current date for past dates’/exes’ behaviors. Your date doesn’t know what triggers you, so give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of making assumptions about what you think they mean, clearly communicate your needs. And, if you’re comfortable, share significant past events so they can understand where you’re coming from on certain issues.

17. Not capitalizing on IRL opportunities. Say “hi” to the stranger in the Starbucks line or hold eye contact with a cutie across the bar. While rejection can prevent people from approaching others, you can increase your chances for a real-life connection by signaling clear interest.

18. Tying your self-worth to whether or not someone likes you back. You won’t always know why someone wasn’t interested in you, but 100% of the time it has nothing to do with you or your worth as a human being.

19. Assuming exclusivity. “I’m not seeing other people” is not the same as “I’d like to be exclusive.” Save yourself from being burned by being clear with your intentions and desires, so make sure you have “the talk.”

20. Leaving out or hiding important details. If you just got divorced and have four children, or are planning on moving out of state soon, or gained 30 pounds in the last year, be transparent. Lying, hiding, and omitting the truth is a bad way to kick off a relationship and leads to mistrust.

21. Going through the motions. If you find yourself mindlessly swiping, forcing yourself to go on dates, and can’t seem to find excitement about anyone, then you’ve caught a case of dating fatigue. Dating should be fun and void of indifference. If you can’t be fully present when dating, it’s time to take a break.

22. Not owning your dating goals. Be upfront about your desire to have a relationship. You may think keeping this to yourself or being vague about it is the best way to not scare a date off. But people who are serious about finding a partner won’t be scared of your dating goals — they’ll be excited by it.

Stopping these bad dating habits can help increase your chances of finding love in 2023. May this year be your year for love!

You likely know that gaslighting, uncontrolled temper, any form of abuse and contempt are bright red flags when it comes to dating. Because these behaviors are so obvious and toxic, it’s easier to end things before your relationship gets worse.

But what about the subtle red flags when you first start dating someone?

These are behaviors that you might not like, but aren’t sure if it’s worth walking away. In the throes of infatuation and when you start falling in love, it’s easy to overlook or minimize certain behaviors. After all, when you find someone new, your body is hijacked by hormones that push you to ignore your date’s…not-so-stellar actions.

I want to save you time and heartache from being with the wrong fit, so before you find yourself deeply attached, watch for these subtle signs that show themselves early on:

1. 1. They engage in double standard behavior. This means that their rules and beliefs apply to you—but not to them. They don’t want you to stay in touch with exes, but they think it’s okay for them to text their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. They expect total honesty from you, but allow themselves to bend the truth or omit important information. They’re allowed to cancel plans if they need a night in, but if you do it, they guilt trip you. They give themselves the freedom to act however they want to act—but try to suppress your freedom. Since you’re held accountable but they rarely are, you’ll feel resentment and distrust sooner rather than later.

1. 2. They’re critical. You get criticized for even the most basic of things, like the shirt you picked out, how you chop a vegetable, or that you’d prefer to binge a Netflix show rather than take part in an activity. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, like you can’t do or say anything right, and that your every movement is being looked under a microscope. When you see criticism early on, it can be a sign that they have high anxiety, control issues, or really expect you to be someone else. Whatever the reason, they probably won’t ever be satisfied with you. You deserve someone who will accept you and appreciate you for who you are. It’s one thing if someone who inspires you to grow in a better direction, but it’s another thing entirely if they point out your flaws, make you feel miserable, or want to change you.

1. 3. They refuse to understand your perspective. If a relationship is going to succeed, it’s important that both people feel validated. In other words, they need to feel that their partner “gets them.” However, if you find that you’re sharing your feelings and experiences, and they never attune to your needs, you’ll never feel emotionally safe. If they routinely dismiss, minimize, or ridicule you, it’s simple: they’re not ready to be with you. Inevitably you won’t feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts, and then what’s the point? Find someone who wants to hear about your colorful inner world and validates you. This is what makes intimacy happen.

1. 4. They’re unwilling to put in the effort. You’ve expressed your needs—but your new partner isn’t meeting them. They say they’re going to take care of something, and then they “keep forgetting.” You tell them something is important to you but they don’t do anything about it. In essence, you feel like you’re carrying the relationship. If you don’t see effort in the beginning—during the time that most people go over-the-top to impress their new significant other—don’t expect things to change. If they’re not interested in putting in effort now, they’re not going to put it in later, and you’ll never be able to rely on them or feel like you matter—and you should feel like you matter.

1. 5. They don’t show appreciation. You went out of your way to buy them a thoughtful gift and they responded with “cool.” You worked overtime so you could spend a day with them—and they don’t acknowledge your efforts. You read the book they’ve passionately talked about, and they give a shrug when you share. Appreciation acts as a buffer against negativity, and without it, a relationship can head toward a downward spiral. Appreciation also increases the amount of respect and affection in a relationship. It doesn’t always have to be expressed verbally, but you should be consistently building a culture of appreciation. And again, in the beginning, it should be easy to point out all of the wonderful things about you. Without consistent appreciation, you’ll miss out on the surplus of positivity that’s needed to roll with the inevitable ups and downs of a relationship.

So here’s the deal. Sometimes, even the best partners occasionally raise a red flag. They’re human. We’re human. Sometimes we forget to compliment our partner. Sometimes we really do forget about something important. We’re imperfect. They’re imperfect. However, these red flags should be few and far between. If these behaviors seem to have taken up permanent residence in your relationship—and they’re the rule, not the exception—proceed with caution, and think about what you’re putting yourself through. You want to be in a healthy relationship that is generally free of these five red flags.

If you find yourself constantly trying to decipher what’s normal and what’s not—look into finding a relationship therapist. You can check out my awesome team here. A good therapist will help you figure out what is best for you, so you get out of the loop of attracting toxic people, and spend time with those who bring the best out of you (and vice versa!).

As originally posted on Pattiknows.com.

Your partner hangs up the phone in the middle of a conversation, so you call repeatedly to get them to talk.

You feel overwhelmed from seeing your partner every day for a week, so you decrease your typical level of communication the following week.  

Your partner avoids your attempts of showing physical affection, so you decrease your effort in hopes their effort will increase. 

The scenarios above highlight a common pattern that couples find themselves stuck in: the pursuer-distancer tango. This tango can negatively impact your ability to create emotional safety and trust within the relationship. 

The pursuer, oftentimes, will reach towards the relationship in attempts to receive validation, affection, and reassurance (e.g., constantly needing to be near your partner to feel loved and wanted). If the attempts at pursuing fail, it can cause feelings of rejection, and wondering if there is something you did/didn’t do. Internalizing your partner’s behavior is common, and developing self-soothing skills to regulate your emotions could be rewarding. Building your toolbox of skills may require you to spend more time away from the relationship. Whether you need to phone a friend or take a stroll by yourself around the neighborhood, find what works best for you at the moment.

The target of self-soothing is to meet your needs while maintaining the security of the relationship. The goal is having the discipline to step away until you are emotionally available to reconnect. It could be useful to know what your needs are before attempting to reach out to your partner. If your partner is unavailable, focus your attention on what could be helpful to meet your needs. Quality time may not be an option at the moment, and exploring alternatives could be beneficial. For example, “It would mean a lot to me that we spend time discussing our day. Are you willing to schedule some time before bed?” In this example, the importance of quality time is highlighted and your partner can decide if they are able to support this need. 

If you are the distancer, you may feel physically and/or emotionally burdened by your partner’s attempts to create closeness. As a result, you typically pull back from the relationship to gain comfort. Perhaps you desire alone time or seek additional outlets to meet your need for distance. If you find yourself in a situation where you are overwhelmed and need space, it can be valuable to communicate with your partner when you want to step away. Withdrawing without notice and clear communication could prevent your partner from respecting your boundaries and needs. It is possible you will find strength in stating your needs and are likely to lean into your relationship once you see that your partner is someone that is willing to support and respect what you want. 

It can be helpful to be specific about a timeframe for reconnecting. Saying, “Can we do this later?” may not be productive because later could be 10 minutes, 5 months, or a year. Some helpful alternatives could be setting a clear time (e.g., 15 minutes) or simply requesting before the day ends. Stating the intention to regroup along with the timeframe will allow you the space to check in and decide if you are available at that time. For example, “I know we said we’d watch a movie at 6pm. I have a headache and need to lie down. Can we reschedule for 1pm tomorrow?” In this example, the needs are stated, and the intention to spend time together is clear by suggesting an alternative.

Before interrupting this tango, it may be beneficial for each partner to increase their awareness of the behaviors in the moment. Self-soothing is the target and the goal is stating your needs to gain support. It is not your responsibility to make sure your partner support you, however, it is up to you to decide what you can do if they are not able to be of support. This may require you to soul search and pay attention to those triggers that tell you to withdraw or pursue. Once you identify those triggers and behaviors, the next step could be to implement those effective skills you’ve developed overtime. It is important to note that each partner can operate in both roles. It may be helpful to assess your role in maintaining the tango and ways to interrupt this pattern moving forward.

Dating can be draining, time-consuming, and just plain horrible. Between catfishing, misrepresentations and exaggerations, and the plethora of emotionally unavailable people on the dating apps, the struggle to put yourself out there is real.

The almost 2-year long pandemic has been a blessing to some and a curse to others. Some singles have taken a more intentional approach to dating amid Covid concerns, while others have found it even more difficult to meet someone.

As 2022 draws near, some of you may be getting ready for a fresh start, and “Dating Sunday” is around the corner. 2021 will be behind you, and with a new year comes new hope and a renewed desire for love. If you’re ready to find love, here’s a 9-step guide to maximize your dating potential:

1. Get photos ready.

2. Pick out your outfits.

3. Download 1-2 dating apps.

4. Choose your swipe times.

5. Mentally prepare yourself.

6. Meet IRL asap.

7. Consider the singles around you.

8. Stay present and engaged.

9. Nix the excuses.

1. Get photos ready. If you’re not getting many swipes, start with your photos—you know, ones filled with good lighting and real smiles. I can’t stress enough the importance of this. Enough with the car selfies, bathroom selfies, group shots, and sunglasses in almost every photo. Have 2-3 pictures with a clear, non-blurry view of your face, and at least 2 full body shots. Keep them recent within the last 2 years. Get feedback from your friends on which pictures they think are best. Hire a professional photographer if you need to. Misrepresenting yourself reflects your insecurity, and deception is a bad way to start off a date—so just don’t do it.

2. Pick out your outfits. Pick out your power date clothes. Maybe it’s a shirt that accentuates your broad shoulders, or a skirt that shows off your killer legs, or nice jeans that cinch your waist at the perfect spot. Confidence is sexy—and one of the main characteristics that singles look for in a partner. Because when you look good, you feel good, and it can give you that added boost against first date anxiety. Get input from your friends or go to Nordstrom and ask for help from one of their stylists.

3. Download 1-2 dating apps. Clients will ask me what dating apps are the best, but I tell them it depends on each person. Some people have met their spouse on Tinder, others call it a “cesspool.” Others swear by Bumble. Hinge has marketed itself as a relationship app, attracting singles who are ready to find a long-term relationship. So start with 2 apps and use them for a few weeks. Each has their pros and cons, and you can stick with 1-2 that suit you best.

4. Choose your swipe times. Some of my clients who are single also think in order to maintain a connection, they have to communicate throughout the day—but for most people, this isn’t realistic. Dating fatigue is real. Finding motivation to not only swipe but to engage in conversation and get yourself off the couch can be downright taxing. If you dread something, you won’t do it, so make it manageable by choosing the right swipe times. Instead of scrolling through social media when you wake up or before you go to sleep, connect on the apps instead. If you’re finished with lunch a little earlier, take a few minutes to respond to messages. Play around with your environment and set yourself up for success by finding the times that work best for you. You can even make it a ritual!

5. Mentally prepare yourself. Rejection sucks. I know it’s easier said than done, but do try not to take things personally. You’re meeting all kinds of people in various stages, and some people will not be honest or forthcoming, at least not at first. It can be easier on your mental health if you keep a healthy pipeline of options instead of just focusing on one person at a time (unless you’re avoidantly attached—then don’t do this. For you avoidants, focus on why you should be dating someone as opposed to why you shouldn’t).

6. Meet IRL asap. Once you’ve established a decent connection with a match, meet IRL as soon as possible. An online connection doesn’t always translate to an in-person connection. Picking a partner involves all five senses…how they look, how they smell, the sound of their voice, how they taste when you kiss, whether you welcome their touch or withdraw from it. You can’t make it work with just anybody, even if your online connection is strong.

7. Consider the singles around you. Although dating apps can introduce you to people you wouldn’t normally meet, single people are alive and well off of the apps. Maybe the cute guy in the checkout lane at the grocery store or the woman sitting at Starbucks. Some people abhor dating apps, so make yourself available to meet someone in person. I’ve worked with too many people who are anti-app but when I ask them, “Oh, so you approach people when you’re out?” They say no. You won’t get a date if you don’t put in the effort. Flirt: make eye contact, smile, and see what happens. Use your swagger, not your swipes. If you’re too nervous, take on the mindset that you’re just having a conversation with a stranger. Who knows what will happen!

8. Stay present and engaged. I’m sure every person who’s used a dating app has experienced conversations that go nowhere, a match who doesn’t respond at all, and has met a ghost or two. If you’re on the apps, stay engaged when you’re on it. Ask questions — and answer them (as long as they’re reasonable). It really fucks with people to connect over and over again with zero results—so respect people’s time, and don’t go MIA. If you can’t commit enough time on an app to get to know someone, then find another hobby until you can.

9. Nix the excuses. I’ll date when: I lose 10 pounds, when I get a better job, when all my friends are married and I’m actually alone. You may never be fully ready to date because no matter what, dating requires vulnerability. Acting perfect is a façade—and no one should expect that perfect reality. Life is messy. Love is messy. Relationships are less about being perfect and more about handling the inevitable missteps along the way. Don’t waste time waiting for the ideal time when opportunity could be passing you by.

Despite what Hollywood and Hallmark tells you, love doesn’t just fall into your lap when you least expect it. You have to put in the time and the effort to find the love of your life—which will make a wonderful story worth telling.

As originally posted on Pattiknows.com.