When you open a book and start reading the first chapter, do you already know every detail of the book and how it’s going to end? Or when you start watching a Netflix series, do you already know how the entire plot is going to play out after just one episode?
Probably not, because you can’t predict every detail and how things will go nor how the story will end.
Yet, when it comes to love, many of us do just that. Whether it’s after one date or a few weeks, I often hear things like:
I just know this won’t work.
If it’s not perfect, I don’t want to put in the time.
If I don’t know if I can get there with my feelings, I just end it.
I can’t put my finger on it, I just don’t see a future, so I’ll just end it now.
I cut things off quickly when I’m unsure about someone.
At the first sign of a red flag, I end it.
I don’t want to lead someone on, so it’s better to break it off early.
If they like me too much and it doesn’t work out, I’d rather rip off the band aid and break up with them first.
But how do you know it won’t work? How can you be certain that someone isn’t right for you after just a few dates or spending time with them for a few weeks? How do you know your feelings for someone won’t develop? How do you know a relationship wouldn’t work when you’re only on the second page of your love story?
And I’m not talking if you’re absolutely 100% not attracted to your date. Or if there’s a clear deal breaker—like you want children and your date doesn’t, or you have fundamental differences in faith. I’m talking about those times when there’s no tangible reason to end things, yet you do it anyway.
When I ask my clients to give me reasons they don’t want to continue seeing someone, they can’t always tell me why. It’s usually a vague sense that “this won’t work.” But without concrete evidence, are you really giving love a fair chance? You don’t want to make judgments and assumptions about why things won’t work, because you risk passing over a good match. I’ll never forget a session I had with a client who went on a first date with a guy she found attractive. But then she drops, “We wouldn’t have passionate sex.” I asked her why. She said she could just tell. There was no evidence—they hadn’t even had sex yet!
These kinds of stories, where someone dismisses a potential partner without any real evidence that a relationship wouldn’t work, are disheartening. So why don’t we give people a chance? Some people need time to get comfortable on dates. Others need time to build trust before they can be vulnerable, which is essential for a connection. Or sometimes, a first date isn’t always where people shine. My clients have told me things such as:
I’m not being myself on dates because I’m worried about getting hurt. I’m too guarded.
I don’t come across that great on first dates, but I’m awesome when you get to know me.
I have a hard time selling myself.
I’m not freely vulnerable. But once I get comfortable, you don’t have to pull it out of me.
Many singles sabotage their love stories by ending things too soon. Here are five common reasons why this happens:
1. Non-secure attachment style. A non-secure attachment style puts you at a higher chance to dismiss someone more quickly. You look for the intense chemistry from date one. You risk mistaking anxiety for butterflies or expect the Hollywood/fairy tale type of chemistry from the start. You expect things to be perfect. And when you don’t feel the immediate chemistry or things don’t go perfectly, you bounce.
2. Anxiety. Overthinking can cause you to get in your own way. Your thoughts can go a thousand miles a minute with the things that could go wrong. You worry and make assumptions without any evidence. You make snap judgments without checking things out with your date or getting more context. You ruminate over things going wrong or “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
3. Insecurity. You may feel inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable. You may put a date on a pedestal while downplaying the things that you offer in a relationship. You start a mental snowball of thinking that you’re not good enough and that your date will want someone better, and so you end things before it can develop further. On the flipside, if you are insecure, you can also be dismissive because you think there’s something wrong with the date who’s into you. I hear things from my clients like: What’s wrong with them that they’re so into me? Why are they interested in me? I look down on those who like me more than I like them.
4. Fear. You’ve been hurt before and are afraid that you will be hurt again. You’re afraid to let people in. You’re divorced and fear you’ll get divorced again, or your parents divorced and you fear marriage because you, too, could get divorced. You are afraid of rejection and expect it with every date. You were blindsided by a previous date or partner and are scared it’s going to happen again. You fear ending up with the wrong person and so you can keep hunting for the perfect one. Whatever your fears, it’s easier to end things with a date before things even have a chance to develop into a relationship—because that’s when the stakes are high and require vulnerability.
5. Time pressure. If you’re feeling pressure that you don’t want to waste your time or that time is ticking, you risk rushing the dating process. You won’t take the necessary time to truly assess whether someone is a good fit. Instead, you’ll make snap decisions—and potentially waste even more time with the number of dates you end up having to go on.
But things are not hopeless. Being aware of how quickly you dismiss someone is the first step towards making changes. Here are seven things you can do:
1. Sit with the uncertainty. The first few weeks of dating can be filled with uncertainty, anxiety, worry, and doubt. You can train yourself to tolerate uncertainty rather than ending things to avoid discomfort.
2. Build resiliency to rejection. Rejection doesn’t have to be something to fear. Yes, it hurts, but you’ve survived it before. Remind yourself that even if a relationship doesn’t work out, you’ve been able to move on.
3. Don’t add unnecessary pressure. Let things progress naturally. Don’t rush the timeline for when you need to decide if someone is a long-term match. Take things one date at a time and enjoy the dating process.
4. Catch your assumptions. Notice how many assumptions you make about a date and why things won’t work out. If you don’t have enough context or any evidence, keep dating them until you get the information you need to decide whether to end things or not.
5. Have conversations. If you have a concern or are uncertain about something, talk it out. Don’t cut things off without first having a conversation to allow your date the opportunity to address your concerns. You want tangible evidence that you can’t make it work, but you may find that your concerns were unnecessary worries or that you were able to work out a compromise.
6. Watch your deactivating strategies. Deactivating strategies are behaviors that people engage in to create emotional and physical distance with a romantic date or partner. Nitpicking, focusing on the negatives, being judgmental, and having rigid or perfectionist thinking are all ways to create distance—and to give yourself reasons to stop dating someone.
7. Work on yourself. Whether you need to work on valuing yourself, believing you are lovable, figuring out what you really want in a relationship, or increasing your comfort to intimacy, working on yourself is a key way to prevent dismissing a good match too quickly. You’ll feel more confident in yourself and more in control of your feelings and thoughts, and that can help make better decisions about a long-term match.Remember, you’re the co-author of your love story. Choose your co-author wisely, but give the story the time it deserves to develop. It might give you what you want—a happily ever after ending.