When I ask people what they think the #1 issue is that brings couples to therapy, I usually hear:
Money
Lack of sex
Cheating
Nope to all 3. At least not in my office. In fact, nearly every single couple blames their issues on the exact same thing: “communication problems.” The funny thing is, when I talk with them, they are quite articulate and I understand them just fine. So, what’s really going on?
In my 19 years as a relationship therapist, I’ve noticed that when a couple cites “communication problems,” they’re actually referring to one of three areas that can cause tension in a relationship. These three things are: emotional management, recurring differences, and connection. The good news is that once you identify which area you’re struggling with, you can use the tips below to elevate your relationship.
1. Emotional management. Every couple has conflict. However, if your fights frequently escalate and/or one or both of you shuts down, your relationship has an emotional management problem. You’ve probably heard of fight-or-flight and it’s easy to get into this state by allowing your emotions to get out of control. When you’re in fight-or-flight, conversation is useless because your emotions have hijacked your brain. You can’t listen well, you lose your sense of humor, you can’t see your partner’s point of view or empathize. Effective problem solving is impossible in this state. And when do couples try to talk and resolve problems? When they’re in fight-or-flight—the real issue that is affecting communication.
Emotional management matters, particularly because these kinds of behaviors predict divorce. Often, I see my couples engage in these toxic behaviors when they’re in fight-or-flight mode. You say hurtful things and may even get to the point where an “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it anymore. The pain can be so great that one or both partners slowly withdraws, leading to disconnection.
What to do: Learn to calm yourself down. Count to 10 slowly, take deep breaths, and tell your partner you need a timeout. One of the best timeouts you can take is with a distraction—listen to music, scroll social media, or go work out. The last thing you want to do is replay the fight and arm yourself with more battle points to make when you resume your conversation.
Learn to de-escalate. Make each other laugh or use repair attempts. And knowing when to stay quiet can be one of the best de-escalation tools. It’s not just about picking your battles, but about staying in the present with your partner versus needing to defend yourself or point out their faults at that moment. Your time to share your point of view will come.
2. Recurring differences. If you find yourself fighting over the same issues again and again—but you never make any headway—you’re probably fighting over recurring differences. Common examples include money, sex, time together versus apart, neatness and organization, and parenting. Couples get stuck when they think these issues have one solution (and that each partner thinks they are the one that is right) and that the issue needs to be resolved. But here’s the thing: resolving these differences is probably not going to happen. That’s what makes it a recurring difference. Rather, they need to be managed because they’re not going to go away.
The good news? All couples have recurring issues. No couple is the perfect fit, and your issues are rooted in inevitable differences: how you were raised, your personality, values, likes and dislikes. Fighting your partner on these issues can accidentally convey to them that you don’t accept or respect them for who they are and invalidate what is important to them. After all, if you’re trying to change them, of course they’re going to dig in their heels even more. And then round and round you go.
What to do: Practice holding two different—sometimes even opposing—viewpoints and to consider both of them as valid and right. This is very difficult for some people, in particular for you all-or-nothing thinkers reading this. The key here is that you don’t have to agree! People get stuck because they think acknowledging a different or opposing stance means they have to agree to it, but you don’t. You just have to understand. You also need to compromise. I wrote a blog on how you can do that here.
3. Connection. Finally, if you’re fighting over petty little things or can’t even remember what your fights were even about, you’re probably fighting over connection.
Each partner’s job in a relationship is to provide safety and security—not just physically, but emotionally too. When your safety becomes threatened or ruptured, fights ensue. Instead of telling your partner that you feel unloved, undesired, or unwanted, it’s easier to pick a fight. And it could be over anything. Something as simple as one partner getting ahead in a Netflix show that both of you were watching together. Is it about the show? Is it really about being upset that one person knows what happened before the other? Of course not. It’s about one partner feeling excluded from something that they considered to be a special ritual.
To an extent, picking a fight makes sense: at least it gets your partner’s attention, even if it’s not the kind you want. But these “protest fights” that test your partner’s love and attention fail. They wear on a relationship and create unnecessary negativity, and eventually can cause withdrawal and disconnection.
What to do: One place to start is by identifying your top three needs. Be specific. What does it look like to have each need be met by your partner? The more examples you can describe, the better as this will give them more ways to win with you. You want to create the environment in your relationship that make you both feel special, like a priority, and like you are choosing each other over and over. In order for your relationship to thrive, you both need to feel like you have each other’s backs, and that you can rely and depend on each other. Most importantly, when you have this kind of security, you can be even more open and vulnerable with each other which will only strengthen your relationship.
Final Thoughts
So if you’re struggling with “communication problems,” reflect on whether it’s really an issue around emotional management, navigating long-standing differences, or feeling disconnected. Because once you can name it, you can start making real changes to improve your relationship and make it healthy and satisfying.
If you’re feeling lost in the dating world or need support in rediscovering yourself, I’m here to help. Contact us today.